A Little Off

I blew it today.  I lost my temper, had little patience, was irritable; I was surly, disagreeable, and eventually was headed right back down the path which I have been fighting so hard to turn from.  I found myself in the floor of the bedroom crying, crying.  I don't even know why, in the end.  I was frustrated with how the day had turned out (ironically I feel like I got a lot done around here), I was angry with myself for yelling at Michaela when she didn't deserve it (that time). 

And I was sad.  I was sad that here I was again, in that same place of self-condemnation, anger, and despair. 

Mike called me on it.  The kids were looking for me, they wanted their friends next door to come over and had been working on cleaning their rooms (well, Michaela had been; Christian had played a lot more than cleaned, and I had picked up his floor...grrrr).  Mike asked me what I was doing.  I wanted to yell at him to go away and leave me alone, but I talked to him instead.  Don't congratulate me; I'm sure I was less than pleasant.  I got up and I think I went to start dinner.  I did apologize at some point.  I never really felt better though.

I still feel cruddy.  It's stupid.  In addition to all of the emotions, I have a huge red spot on the top of my nose, my mustache is in full force, my allergies are raging, and I got a sunburn today. 

How in the world does a 36-year-old who knows better get a sunburn?!  Just a ring around my neck.  Redder on one side than the other, since the sun was a bit to the west. 

As I sat on the floor I thought about what I had written yesterday, about hope.  I was mad at it.  Then I was grateful for it.  I know that depression isn't something that just goes away and never comes back.  I suppose it could, because we all know that anything can happen.  But it's not very likely.  There will be ups and downs.  I need to remember that, for everyone's sake. 

Tomorrow is Sunday.  I'm glad of that.  I need a Sunday.  I'm going to worship.  I think I'll start now.

Comments

[Wendy]

I hope today was a better day. :)