Hope, In a Roundabout Way

I feel as though I need to clarify a few things after the previous post.

But I don't want to sound defensive...just explaining where I was coming from.  Okay?  (See me smiling here.)

It may have sounded like I have a bad case of the wantsies.  Anything from the big, fancy house to the whopping diamond.  I just wanted to say, and felt like I needed to say, that I don't really want those things.  Honestly, when I think back on all the places we've lived, the many different homes including apartments as well as houses, my own happiest time was in the smallest (well, almost the smallest) place we lived.  It was an apartment that was probably less than 1000 sq. feet.  It seemed so cozy, though.  And the most important thing for me when we were in that place was the friends that we had.

I don't want things...I want friends! 

Friends and chocolate.

I'm going to buy the 30 Day Shred.

Can this post be any more all over the place?

Wait!  It can!

This morning at church we had a special choir come and visit.  The Mwangaza Children's Choir sang at several of the services and then gave a free concert after church.  They are children that represent the kids in Uganda, both the orphaned and those just struggling to survive because of dire circumstances.  There are children who have witnessed first-hand such terrible things that we could never begin to imagine, or personally been through things that are beyond what we could come up with in our own minds.  And yet, there they were singing about the hope that is for all the nations, Jesus Christ.  The horrors of their own experiences are not stronger than the love of God that they have come to know and cling to. 

We sang Hillsong's Stronger in worship today; the chorus goes like this: 

You are stronger, You are stronger,
Sin is broken, You have saved me.
It is written, Christ is risen,
Jesus, You are Lord of all.

This last week (longer, really, but at an even greater level recently) I have allowed my mind to get a bit out of control.  As if you could be "a bit" out of control...once you are out of control, the results can be disastrous.  I have been angry and resentful, full of a crazy mixture of self-pity, self-degradation, pride, and guilt.  I am a human being, and as one I am sinful.  Very much so.  I try to ask God to forgive me, but my trouble lies in then accepting that forgiveness.  But if He says He forgives, then who am I to contradict Him?  Is He not the Almighty, the all-powerful Creator of the universe, from the biggest star to the tiniest speck of sand.  Even Nebuchadnezzer said,"No one can hold back His hand/ Or say to Him,'What have you done?"  I am going to accept that He does indeed forgive me, rather than wallow in the (very unproductive) mire and muck of self-loathing.  God does not want us to hate ourselves.  In fact, this is an affront to Him...He designed us in His image.  Shall we hate what has been created in His image? 

Here is what I believe:  His love and His lordship are stronger than the suffering of the boys and girls who are growing up in war-torn Uganda, and they are stronger than my sin.  Christ is risen.  And that truly is the hope of all the nations.

Just Try to Make Sense of It...

The First Grade moms got together the other night for some food (duh) and some talking (um, duh).

I don't know these ladies very well.  There is a lot of chit-chat amongst moms when you are dropping off and picking up, planning the birthday parties, and in-class activities.  But the deep stuff...not so much.

I have a hard time making new friends these days.  You know when you move to a place and there are already the very established circles of friends, and the people who have lived there for their whole lives, right down the street from their best friends (still)?  I imagine that it's like that whenever we go somewhere new, regardless of what is the reality.  And then I don't try too hard. 

Because it's hard.

But it's also hard not to have friends. 

These women are really wonderful.  They are nurses, teachers, stay-at-home moms, decorators, counselors, health experts.  I had a good time.  I learned that I am not the only mom who feels the way that I feel around here, or thinks that the days are hard and long, or butts heads with their kid.

When you live in an atmosphere like the one I live in, where folks make a lot of money, wear super fashionable clothes (even jog suits), have diamonds the size of my fist, and always look together, it's easy to think you just don't measure up.  This is a struggle I have no matter where I go, really, but it is exacerbated here.  I know all the right things to say to myself; I know that God loves me, and has given His best for me.  I know that the reality is that I don't (and can't - no one can or does) measure up to His standards, but I don't have to because Jesus lived that perfect life.  I know that beauty is not most importantly an outward thing, and that there are many ways for it to be expressed.  I know that money does not buy you happiness, a big, fancy home is not all it's cracked up to be, and that showers are optional.

Just checking to see if you were paying attention.

Years ago I made some of the best friends of my adult life.  Now those friends are spread out all over the country, so I don't get to see them.  I don't get to call and say,"Let's run to Walmart together," or,"The kids are driving me crazy...are you going to the playground today?"  And of course, when your kids get older and the schedules are nuttier those opportunities don't present themselves the way they used to.  (I mean, seriously...do I really want to take my own kids to Walmart, much less mine plus someone else's?!)

There is a part of me that longs for that time again.  It was a special time, but short-lived.  So now the question is will I live while I'm here?  I have to make an effort if that's going to happen.

Mom?  Dad?  It would be a lot easier if you guys just moved here. 

Back to the part about measuring up.  There will always be those moms out there who "have it all together".  Regardless of what is really going on, they will look good, dress well (even on the days when it's pouring rain and I'm in my fleece pants and Mike's old Tahoe t-shirt with no bra on wishing I could crawl back into bed and sleep to the sound of the storm), and never say anything about the fight with Christian their kid or how difficult it was to get up that morning, or how they served cereal for dinner last night.  But what I discovered is that there are also the moms out there who are willing to say that things are not as they seem.  Life is not perfect, and families are not perfect.  And I don't have to measure up.  In fact, there is nothing in the world to measure up to.  I have to tell myself that...why would I want to live to those standards, knowing what is important, valuable, and eternally true?  (I'm not sure if that is a question or not.  But I put a question mark there anyway.) 

I'm no entrepreneur.  I'm no exercise maniac.  I'm no fashion model.  I'm no chef.  There are so many things I'm not.  But I am a mom.  It's hard for me, but I am one.  And for some crazy reason my kids love me at the end of the day (seriously, if you could have been here today, you would know what I mean).  My husband loves me (and this is not an easy thing to do, folks).  And even more unbelievably, the Lord loves me.  These are the things that matter, no? 

There comes a point where you have to believe that something is true, regardless of what seems to be.  A friend of mine told me a long time ago that she trusted the soap to do its job, when I asked her how she could handwash dishes so nonchalantly (I have a lot of issues...dishwashing is the least of them if that tells you something).  It really struck me (hello, I'm still thinking about it eleven years later).  You can't really see that the soap has taken away all the germs on the dishes, but you have to trust that it has.  I can't really see that I am accepted by God, I just have to trust that I am. 

My life in Christ is weak right now.  I wish sometimes that the trust would lead quickly to the life that lives that trust out.  I think it's the other way around though.  The life has to be lived in trust, and then both get stronger.  I'm not sure that makes sense.  I do know it's an active thing...the Christian life doesn't just happen to someone.  The steps are hard, though.

But aren't we the Walkers?  Isn't there something in a name?!  Here's to taking some steps...walk with us.  Walk with me.

Speaking of Hands On (I Promise I'll Stop After This)

Christian's teacher has a motto for her classroom; it is this famous saying from Confucius:

I hear and I forget; I see and I remember; I do and I understand.

Mrs. C. is big on her students doing whatever it is that they are studying.  Her class is very hands on, from seashells to dinosaurs (and I am not kidding-I have a shell imprinted in plaster and a giant brontosaurus that is a good six feet long and four feet high stuck up on a shelf in Christian's room), they do with their hands something that will help them understand what it is they are studying.

Just recently the class was learning about opposites.  For homework Christian had to come up with at least fifty opposite pairs (down/up; left/right; frown/smile) and bring them to class.  Then each student made an opposite book.  This, my dear friends, is too good not to share.  And so, I proudly present to you...

by:  Christian Walker

Big and Small     (please note how displeased "Small" is...bigger must indeed be better)

Boy and Girl     (the difference is, gratefully, in the hair; his take on the difference between the sexes made him declare that Shaun White was a girl when he took off his helmet after his snowboarding run) 

Bright and Dark

Cold and Hot     (one of my favorites; he makes his characters talk..."br" and "It's too hot outside!"  Also, someone inside is taunting the one who is outside with an obnoxious,"ha")

Dirty and Clean     (and long and lean)

Dumb and Smart     (I am so glad finally to know what all those little swirlies twirling around my head are!)

Dead and Alive     (The tongue...it is so telling, no?)

Fast and Slow     (another one of my favorites...I love the burst coming from the car's behind-ha)

Hard and Soft    

Loud and Quiet     (Please.  That mouth.  I know you can barely see it, but the loud guy has a giant circle for a mouth.)

Mountain and Valley     (Don't miss the unfortunate little guy plummeting to the earth, minus a parachute.  There is also an unhappy home owner.  In case you can't see the words, they are saying, respectively,"help I'm falling" and "hey, why do I have to have the smallest house.")  (I left the punctuation as it is on his paper.)

There were several other pages...this book made me smile and laugh.  I love seeing Christian's work.  He is so thoughtful, and I think his personality comes through in everything that he does.  He is a quirky, funny, creative fellow. 

And by the end of the year, our house will be full of his projects and his head will be full of understanding.

Hands On, Take Two

In true Christina fashion, I entered a photo in the I Heart Faces challenge that is actually not legitimate for me to enter.  I got so wrapped up in looking for pictures that had to do with hands, and told a good story, that I forgot that I am supposed to have taken the picture.  While I will say that I got through Eliana's birth fairly easily, I am not so tricky that I was able to take a picture of Mike, Eliana, and myself just after she was born. 

I went back to my choices and decided (and it was hard, I might do a post on the other pictures as well...they are all sweet) on this one...

Not only could Mike and I not wait to get our hands on Eliana, her big sister couldn't wait either!  She wanted to hold her all the time from the moment she saw her, and still loves to spend time with her little sister.  I also chose this picture because not only has Michaela loved to hold Eliana, but she has also been so very hands on with her.  She is always willing to spend time with Eliana, and loves to play with and care for her.  Michaela is a tenderhearted, loving girl, and she adores Eliana.  I'm so glad that they will have each other for life. 

There are so many lovely pictures people have shared at I Heart Faces...check it out.

Hands On

This week's challenge at I Heart Faces focuses on hands. (And by the way, I never know if I should write it "Iheartfaces" or "I Heart Faces", so it will probably never be the same two times in a row.  Or maybe I'll be consistent within a post, but not from post to post.  Just to drive everyone crazy, because I KNOW you are paying that close of attention to what I write.)  Before I realized that they were deviating from their normal look at faces and giving a little attention to hands, I perused our digital photo library looking for pictures that depicted their challenge title - "Hands On".

At first I was thinking hands on faces, like peek-a-boo or a look of surprise.  Then I thought it could mean a picture of something that is a hands on task or job.  I suppose it's always up for interpretation by those who enter the contests.  I picked out a bunch of photos to narrow down, and then saw on the website that the challenge was about hands, and did not need to include faces, although they could, of course.  I went back to all my choices (and I won't say that I didn't go back through a lot of the other pictures as well) and finally decided to crop one and focus on the hands that were in the picture.

For this picture, I'm going to tell the story...

Several years ago I lost two babies.  The first time I knew something was wrong, but waited it out, hoping and hoping that I was incorrect and worried about nothing; I miscarried at around eleven weeks.  Many months later I suspected I was pregnant again but there was some ostrich action; I did a little sticking of the head in the sand...I didn't want to face head-on the possibility that I might lose another pregnancy.  I talked with my sister-in-law about it quite a bit (while trying to hide from it!), since we were together at the beach, and we had had many conversations about why I might have lost the first baby.  One thing that came up was an imbalance in progesterone levels; she encouraged me to talk to my midwife about the possibility as well as what measures I could take if I got pregnant again.  (I really am trying to keep this short.  It's hard because I think it's a good story!)  In the end, I got a prescription for the progesterone, but I started it too late that particular time.  I ended up losing the baby one week after finding out that I was pregnant.  I felt guilty for not being more proactive.  I began taking the progesterone monthly, just in case, until one month I had a strange experience about which I will withhold all the details.  Let's just say it seemed  fairly obvious that I was not pregnant, and that I couldn't be. 

I did not continue with the progesterone at that time, since it seemed pointless.  I thought I would just save it for the next month.  One week later, however, I felt like I ought to take a pregnancy test.  My boobs were super sensitive just from putting my shirt on...something had to be up.  They were normally non-existent, much less not sensitive.  The test was positive before I even finished peeing on the stick.  All righty then.  At this point I was a week past the time when I should have started taking the progesterone...but I started it anyway.  Things progressed well, in spite of the late start with the medicine.  God showed us that He is truly in charge, and was weaving and forming something amazing, in my womb and in our lives.  Eight months later, there was this...

We were blessed with a baby girl.  We named her Eliana; it means "the Lord responds".  We cried out to Him and He did indeed hear our cries and answer.  Before she arrived, we couldn't wait to get our hands on her.   Once she was here we were able to put our hands on her right away.  And we were and are reminded that the Lord has His hands on, and over, and under, and around, us.

Just like faces, hands are full of stories to tell...head on over to I Heart Faces for more.