A Heart

I'm having "one of those days."  You know, the kind where everything and everyone irritates you, you are sad for no apparent reason, and you feel like Emmy Lou Harris is singing your life story?  I can always blame it on some hormone (isn't that a wonderful thing about womanhood), but who knows really.

Now that the kids are in bed and it's gotten quiet and I'm by myself (supposed to be cleaning up!) I'm reflecting on my day.  It seems like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, but the reality is that I ought to have had a great day.  Mike let me sleep in a little with Eliana while he took the two older kids out to breakfast before getting ready for Sunday School.  So we didn't get up until quite late (I will add we had a terrible night as far as sleeping goes...), and went to church and came home and I made a nice lunch.  It was a bickering day, though.  What causes a bickering day?  Is it a virus?  Is it something they ate?  Or didn't eat?  Was their underwear pinching them?  Should I have given them more hugs and kisses?  Ah, one of life's mysteries; we may never know the answer. 

At any rate, my own attitude today makes me think of another day many years ago.  That day just might be one of the worst days I've ever had.  I was supposed to make a birthday cake for a friend and needed my trusty recipe that I used frequently and knew exactly where it was.  Only it wasn't there!  I looked high and low for it, wasted a lot of time searching, and finally decided I would try to wing it and remember the ingredients and order the best I could.  I was frustrated with everyone in the apartment because no one was doing what I needed them to do (and they weren't reading my mind either, to know what I wanted them to do-I was being stubborn and not communicating with Mike in particular).  Christian was sitting on my feet in the kitchen and fussing while I tried to make up this cake recipe.  We also had to take a side dish to another couple's place for dinner before the birthday party.  I was EXTREMELY cranky about all of this.  And fuming inside. 

We went to dinner, and along the way things got worse.  Inside I was getting angrier and angrier, but not saying anything to anyone.  After dinner I dropped the kids off at the "party house" so I could get the cake, and my daughter peed on the bathroom floor.  I burst into tears.  My friend took me aside, I said,"I'm fine, I'm fine."  Went to get the cake, had a fun time at the party.  We got home and everyone went to bed.  I think even Mike was lying down with one of the kids. 

I decided that my day was so horrible that I wanted to read the Bible a little.  So I picked up my favorite version that we have and I opened it up, I was looking for a Psalm that I could read through.  I found my recipe.  Yes, that recipe, the one I needed 10 hours ago.  I heard a voice say,"Come to me..." as in Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. 

It was pretty clear at that point what area of my life I needed to surrender to the Lord...all of it.  Well, that was probably four years ago, and talk about a work in progress.  I think that today is a day kind of like that one.  I had nothing to offer because I had nothing to offer.  I actually did mean to write that sentence.  Since I have not been living a life of real devotion to God, where I'm thinking about Him in all things, praying and thanking and worshiping Him, offering Him my own life as a sacrifice, I had no resource for dealing with what I was encountering all day.  I know that the truth is when we give Him our own hearts, He fills them up with Himself, graciously and unselfishly, by His Spirit, through His word.   Whether it was a sleepless night with Eliana or a battle over a magazine between Christian and Michaela or a thankless lunch effort I wasn't prepared to deal with it wisely.  I suppose that when we aren't giving Him our all He will remind us of this just by allowing things to fall out as they will.  I long for order and only He can provide it.  Otherwise,  inside and out, it will be chaos.  I'll be getting some things straightened up tonight.  And one of those things will be my heart, that vessel that needs daily attention.  The "daily" part is of utmost importance...

P.S.  Thank you, Mike, for the things that you do to help me with the kids when I am so tired.  It means even more, because I know you're tired too.  Oh, for sleep one day...

Comments

[nancypants]

(((hugs)))) I can relate on many levels...

[Lemonade Makin' Mama]

So good and true... I'm so pleased you shared this post with me. I love the sentence that we have nothing to offer, because we have nothing to offer.

Blessings,
Sasha