Habits, a King, and Germs

After I dropped Eliana off at Co-op this morning (which is going pretty well, by the way...she was fussy as I passed her off, but had stopped crying a couple of minutes later), I zoomed up the street to a small Christian bookstore and snagged (well, I paid for them!) the books for the Bible study that I am going to while Eliana is in her class.  I managed to do that and still get there before the study started.  Pretty good.  What is not so good is that I should have bought the books two weeks ago when the class started. 

I do things not only at the last minute, but at the last possible second.  Why?  Why do I do that?

That question is part of this post.  (I mean, obviously, it's part of the post since it's in the post.  I mean, it's a part of the reason for me writing this post.  Is anyone still reading this?)

Okay, for fear of not actually making any sense at all, I'm going to try to keep this short. 

Last minute...I iron things just before they are needed (five minutes before Mike is leaving for worship, in which he is assisting...two minutes before Christian needs to get dressed so that he can walk out the door for school); I wait until twenty minutes before the first soccer game to discover that Christian needs new shorts because I gave away his old ones that didn't fit anymore.  This habit is not new, as shown by the lesson plan fiasco (although that might fall into a different category since I did try to work on it before it was due).  Anyway, it causes a lot of problems (can you imagine?) and stress (no way!) and unnecessary angst.  And if you ask me why I operate this way...I don't know what to say.  How do you answer this question?  How do you give an explanation for your own repetitive stupidity?

I know that I make a lot of bad choices as far as time goes.  Instead of writing this, I could be loading the dishwasher, or getting Christian's clothes ready for tomorrow.  I could be looking at Michaela's grammar lesson or sweeping the dining room floor.  I get it that there are things for me to change.  And that making simple changes would in turn change much about how things go around here. 

I went to the Bible study feeling quite exasperated with myself (as usual).  The ladies there are wonderful, and I can often snap out of whatever funk I am in, at least temporarily, when I give concentrated time to the Lord (hmmm, maybe that should CLUE ME IN ON SOMETHING).  There was a large group lecture and then we split up into small groups for discussion of questions (which I, of course, had not looked at yet, since I just got my book TEN MINUTES BEFORE THE STUDY STARTED).  I try not to give answers in that situation since I didn't spend the time preparing, while others had.  It doesn't seem fair.  I did contribute a couple of thoughts today, though.  Oops.

Before the small group discussion time started, there were several moments for prayer requests.  You guys, there is so much pain and suffering in people's lives.  The stories that people have to tell, and some of the stories weren't their own but other families', are unbelievably heartbreaking.  There are men and women and children in this community, in other states, and across the globe that are hurting so badly.  Most of the women were in tears by the end of this time, and we paused for a prayer.  There were a lot of sniffles but the prayer went up...it was said, and it was heard by our Lord and Savior.  And the lesson we were about to study bouyed everyone's hearts. 

We are studying Revelation, and the section for the day was on Chapters 4 and 5, in which John is given a vision of the heavenly throne room, and of the One seated on the throne, and those who surround Him.  He is given a vision of the worship and the cry for someone who is worthy to open the scroll, and when no one is found there is a great sense of sadness.  But an angel calls out,"Do not weep" and proclaims that there is, indeed, one who is worthy.  And the worthy One goes to the throne and TAKES the scroll.  The victorious, powerful, risen Christ is worthy.  And He is pictured as a lamb, one that has been slain.  His wounds are still with Him.  This King knows pain.  This Sovereign knows suffering.  This Lord knows rejection, and agony, and forsakenness.  And He is worthy.

There are sad things in my past, as is true for everyone.  There are hard days now, for no really good reason other than I am an obsessive-compulsive germaphobe and living in the world without coming into contact with germs is quite tricky.  This is going to sound silly, but today I didn't change Eliana's clothes when I brought her home from her class.  I normally do, because I don't know what germs might be on her clothes.  As I write this, I realize that it sounds ridiculous.  But it is the reality for me.  It is what I do.  I am able to laugh at myself at times.  But the truth is, I try to avoid touching public surfaces as much as I can.  I went to Christian's classroom today to hear a report he gave on the Brontosaurus (which I recorded and will try to get on here soon!!).  I sat in a chair in his class (albeit on the edge...and not because I was so eagerly anticipating what he had to say-although I was!) and when I got home I didn't change my pants.  I normally would have.  It sounds crazy, I know, and also explains why I have such an enormous amount of laundry, but I purposefully did things today that I wouldn't normally do, for a couple of reasons.  First, there are people out there who are in such terrible situations.  They are going through things that are devastating.  Second, there are people out there who live in terrible conditions.  There are really disgusting living environments in which people have to live; they have no choice.  Third, God is bigger than my fears.  In fact, John says that perfect love drives out fear.  I happen to believe that that means fear of condemnation, but I think that it can also apply to all that is in our lives that takes away the joy that we can have when we are close to God. 

I have a long way to go.  I know a lot of the right answers, but I don't study my Bible, or pray without ceasing.  I don't teach my children the way that they ought to be taught Scripture.  I don't memorize Scripture myself regularly.  If you don't fill up the pitcher, then when you go to pour nothing will come out.  That is common sense. 

I keep having these conversations with myself, about making changes, about taking baby steps...it's such a process.  And there are so many things that need to change!  Change is difficult when you've done something a certain way for so long.  So, that gets back to the question at the beginning...but!  There is a way.  There is a King.  And because of Him, there is hope.  And I am going to keep clinging to it.  And to Him. 

And one day when He makes all things new, there will be no more germs!  Right?!  Or clocks!

Comments

[Mindee@ourfrontdoor]

Christina - those are big steps! Good for you. I'm a procrastinator too. What's that saying? "If it weren't for the last minute, I'd never get anything done."

[Elle Bee]

You are awesome! I just love coming here to read you because I learn a little bit more about you and a little bit more about myself. I could have written a lot of the same lines in your post. I've got a few OC tendencies. Not a lot, but I can wrap my mind around the way yours works. And I can totally relate to wanting to make changes. I have an ideal in my head about being a truly Christ-centered, calm mother with never-ending patience who gets every household chore done all while teaching my kids Latin and table manners. :o)

I'm working toward the ideal. Some days it seems VERY far away! You know what's so weird? I think a lot about praying. Things I'm going to pray about. Things I need to tell God or ask about. And then I never do!! I forget to, or I fall asleep, or I get busy. What?! Ugh.

Then you started talking about people's suffering in this world. I dwell on that sometimes. I can't even fathom what people live with (or don't live with). It's heartbreaking.

Thank you for reminding me how big our God is. Thanks for reminding me that my prayers do matter, and if I'd only say them more often, I'd move closer to my ideal.

Elle

[Christina]

Mindee, thank you for always being so encouraging!

Elle, thank you for your amazing comments...it's good to walk the road together, isn't it? We'll pray together, too!