A Conversation
Sunday, September 5, 2010 at 6:39PM Last night as I was folding a load of laundry that had taken over the end of our bed, Michaela came quietly into the room, with tears streaming down her cheeks. She was afraid of having a nightmare like the one she had last week. She doesn't want to go to sleep these days...I can identify with this, that feeling of waiting for some bad thing to pop into your head, or the fear of going to sleep because of what scene will play out in your mind.
I stopped what I was doing and we went and sat down; she started talking and asking questions, questions that I didn't have good answers for. Well, some of them I could answer, but there were others for which no one has the exact answers. One of the first things she said was that she was afraid of death. I was silent for a minute, studying her face. I asked her if there was something that had her thinking about that, something she had read, or heard somewhere. She said no, that it was just on her mind. I told her that I could understand her feelings, that it's scary to think about things that we don't know about, things that we haven't experienced. But then I said,"But we do know what the Bible says about death..." and before I could continue she said,"That we don't need to be afraid."
As we sat (she was on my lap, even though she's practically as big as I am and she was trying to pretend that she was still very little by holding her legs up a bit so her feet didn't rest on the floor) I could feel the tension leaving her body, I could tell that the tumultuous thoughts inside of her were quieting, even ordering themselves. She began asking questions. She wondered things like when we die will we still know ourselves, and when we are souls, will we be able to see other souls, or sing? How can souls sing to God all the time? Do souls have voices since they don't have bodies? She wondered if when people die they lose their individuality. We talked about how God created each one of us as a unique person, and I said that God loved each person that he created as an individual as well as a part of the body of Christ. I told her that it seemed to me if God knows us, if we are fearfully and wonderfully made, if he knows the number of hairs on each of our heads...that surely when we die we will remain unique individuals. She took a bit of her hair and let it slide through her hand delicately, and as she watched just that handful which she could not even number herself she said to me,"He's just so...vast."
It was the perfect word at that moment.
She kept asking questions...When Jesus comes back will only the people who are right there see him or will the whole world see him? Will there still be people alive when he comes back or is God going to wait until everyone is dead to make the new heavens and the new earth? Does God really sit on a throne and wear a crown with jewels and a huge flowing robe? Can you see God in heaven (since God is a spirit and doesn't have a body like we do)? How will we know Jesus and God? (Oh, I think we will KNOW!)
There were so many thought-provoking questions, and I wish I could have written them down as she asked them. We talked about reading Revelation together (!!) when we are done with the mother/daughter study. Nothing like moving from t-ball straight to the Major Leagues, or from drinking infant formula to popping habanero peppers.
We often think of kids as reckless, without much consideration of the fragility of life, particularly their own.
But I bet they are more aware of it than we think. It probably pervades their thoughts more than we might imagine, but they don't know how to bring it up. Think of the scenes that they see if the news is on or the paper is lying on the coffee table, or if, like in our lives, the news isn't on but the magazines in the check-out line in the grocery stores are front and center.
Life seems so carefree most of the time for our children, but just below the surface, behind the uninhibited laughter and play, lies an awareness of the fact that we are, indeed, humans...and at some point each one of us will take a final breath.
A final breath, and yet a temporarily final breath. I pray that we are able to give our kids not just the knowledge but the hope of the resurrection, the secure and confident knowing that it is so certain we can say we have already been raised with Christ. It is a mystery beyond my own understanding, and yet I can say that even though my body may be returned to dust, my God will breathe life into it once again. And he will make everything new. (He says so...look in Revelation 21.)
Until then, I have the days to face here. In this world. A world I often hate. Sometimes I can think life is beautiful (see the above photo); other times I think it's awful. There is so much awful in the world...I don't have to name the things, you know what they are. But it's still our world, God's world. And I believe he is good and loves his creation, fallen as it is. I have to live as a part of that creation, and teach my kids how to live in it. It's hard.
Maybe not as hard as reading through Revelation with my nine-year-old.
But hard.
So, we'll continue having these conversations, and I think the more we do the easier hope will become.
Reader Comments (11)
Hi Christina -
what a sweet spirit your daughter has!
Thank you for your kind comments at my blog! I was so honored when Becky interviewed me :-).
Answers ... yes, I still use my Rebel xt (and indeed some of the pictures on my website were taken with my Rebel), but I have since upgraded to the full-frame Canon 5d. The best thing I did to maximize my Rebel quality was to choose my specific focus point (using autofocus points) and to shoot aperture priority and eventually full manual exposure. *IF* your shutter speed is fast enough *AND* your specific focus point is chosen and you're still not getting sharp images, you might look into getting your camera serviced. My favorite lens for my Rebel is the 28-105mm. I also wish that way back in the beginning I had purchased the 50mm f/1.8 lens - it's inexpensive and is a perfect lens with which to learn the importance and power of aperture.
I just heard Steven Curtis Chapman and wife talking about their conversation with their kids after their daughter died... She said "God wants us to do hard" ... and life is sometimes that. And then...
"We have chosen to see that God is in all of this...Can we choose to see God in the good and in the pain?" Thought that was profound... Deep thoughts ... good thoughts from Michaela...
Thanks, Missy...they seem like an amazing family, and deep down I know it is a choice. It seems like an impossible one for some people, and yet they make it. It is profound, you are right.
Goodness. No wonder she can't sleep with all of that running around in her head. I'm so glad YOU are her mom. It sounds like you're the perfect one to do the job. :)
Aww, sweet girl.
I was a deep thinker as a kid too.
Yes. Reading through Revelation will be a hard one to understand and explain! I love how she said that God is just so vast. Such a sweet story and a good reminder to always be available to talk to our children.
Oh my goodness, it is so awesome that I'm reading your blog right now tonight! The ladies in my bible study JUST left and we are studying Revelation!
Your daughter is so earnest and intelligent. It is so wonderful that these things are on her heart (although i know as mothers we want to shield them from any troubling thought). What a good mother you are--it is so obvious what a wonderful job you've done guiding your children to know and love God. Otherwise they wouldn't be asking these questions!
I can't recommend enough getting the book "Because The Time Is Near" by John MacArthur. It will guide you through the book and make it not seem as overwhelming.
So excited for you and your daughter to grow in God's word together. And what a blessing that you will be preparing for Jesus to come back together! Revelation 1:3 "Blessed is the one who reads the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear it and take to heart what is written in it, because the time is near".
What a great writer you are! My nine year old is the same one who asks these questions. It always amazes me that I think he's just interested in when he can get the next candy and then he reveals such depth of soul. They are my most favorite moments. Thank you for putting it so eloquently. And thanks for stopping by!
Christina, I just came over to find your "Live Your Life" bracelet post, but I can't find it. Can you leave a link on my blog? Thanks!
Christina, I like your blog layout. It is really clean and neat. I like the categories you have that organize things so they are easy to find. And the choices you made for what to single out like "He Said/ She Said, and Wordless. Your blog name, the header, well chosen! You've been doing this for a long time and you are good at it!
MJ-thank you so much! I sent a more detailed email to you. You made me smile, for sure!!