I Really Wanna, But...
Sunday, March 6, 2011 at 6:17PM I have blog posts backed up in my head such that could compare to I-95 between D.C. and Richmond around...well, anytime of the day. I have so much to say and no time to blog! There is a reason for this. I have been busy climbing out of the pit of depression, and doing 32 loads of laundry a day.
You have no idea how time-consuming those two things are.
I have tried and tried to think of how I could relay the changes that are being wrought in me, for I certainly could not have wrought them myself. The best comparisons I could come up with were Lazarus, whom Jesus raised from the dead, and Eustace Scrubb, whom Aslan un-dragons in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. (The story of Lazarus and Jesus is in the Bible, but I'm assuming that you know that.)
When I say that I was in a bad place, I want you to know that I am not exaggerating. It was a wretched, horrible place. I had reached the proverbial breaking point, or dark night, or deep, dark pit. Think of being in a tomb. Whether you are in there dead or alive, you can't get out all by yourself. It is a desperate place to be.
I certainly wasn't strong enough to make the changes that I would need to make in order to do my share in taking steps to alter our family's present course. And most of the time I didn't want to change, or admit that I needed to.
I didn't want my life to go this way, but I also couldn't see another path. Doing things differently? Impossible. Living this way for another thirty years or more? Even more impossible. What was I going to do? I had no idea. I was completely broken, and desperate. I wrote an email to someone I don't even know in real life, but through blogging. She had written of similar things, had spoken of wounds and pain, of healing and victory. I thought of her words on a Saturday night and shared with her where I was. I asked her, basically, what was I to do. She was so gracious. She wrote me back right away. She also said things that I was afraid she would say. I was afraid in the sense that I knew what I needed to do; I just didn't want to do it. I was too tired, too scared, too mad, too...
selfish.
I saw it very clearly all of a sudden. I was so selfish.
There was a series of events, which led to the most desperate place of all for me. It was the spot where I looked ahead and saw two paths. I had to choose which one I was taking. To take a step down the one path would have been life leading to death. To take a step down the other path, I could clearly see, would mean dying in order to live life.
And then a something happened, as I stood there staring hard at those two paths.
I feel a little like Eustace in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader when he becomes un-dragoned. As he recounts what happened to Edmund he says"...but, mind you, it may have been all a dream. I don't know," and he is not sure if Aslan actually speaks even though the lion tells him to follow him, and to get undressed in order to get in the spring, and other things. When I think back on the day, I am not really sure what happened but I know that it did happen.
There is the un-dragoning, for one thing. (Really, if you have not read this part of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, you must read it. You must!)
I came to the conclusion, somehow (like, somehow supernaturally), that I had to start getting up and acting like a normal person or I would lose everything. And it mattered now.
I decided that with the help of God (and you have to know that apart from him I could accomplish nothing) I would get up the next morning. I committed to getting up, making Christian's lunch, taking him to school if I needed to, and staying up the whole day. Before this day, my pattern was either to stay in bed or get back in bed as soon as I could. All I wanted to do was escape from the day before me. So, getting up and being cheerful (oh, yes, that was part of it too) were on my horizon. It was a Sunday night.
I set my alarms and I woke up on Monday. I did all of the things that I had determined to do. I even think I was happy about it. And each night after that I would ask God to help me get up the following morning, just one day at a time. I knew that I couldn't say,"I'm going to get up every day from now on at 7am and be the mom I need to be!" I took the babiest of baby steps.
And each day I faced the dumbest things. I forgot that Eliana didn't have school that Monday, and that there was a nice tea, a school event, for grandparents and other special people in the kids' lives. Christian sang in that program, and then I was supposed to pick him up. Since I was there, it worked out, but I had been counting on both of them being in school so I could visit with a friend at our old house while I did some packing. We ended up talking for about twenty minutes instead of a couple of hours, and we had three kids instead of none (because of my change of circumstances, she picked her daughter up early from school, came by and then went to pick up the rest of her clan). Things like that happened every day...not earth shattering things, but annoying, where-is-my-brain, inefficient, time-wasting things. I got make-up piano lessons mixed up with regular piano lesson times; we couldn't find piano books; I forgot to put butter on the grocery list so that Mike didn't get any when he went to the store and when he and Michaela went to make Valentine cookies they couldn't because we had no butter at all; I forgot to go by and sign Michaela up for soccer when I was over near the YMCA so Mike had to do it after a meeting, even though he called to remind me to do it just before I left to come home (I got distracted with getting butter); I forgot to get the dry cleaning day after day as I drove in between our house and the school. The list goes on, and each thing seems small, but I honestly felt like there was a force that was determined to block my way on this new path that I was trying so hard to walk down. One day I dropped my new phone and busted the glass, as well as forgot Christian's karate uniform. I had to turn around and get the uniform, which made Eliana a little late for class. On President's Day we all stayed home from school because I had failed to read the sheets that the kids bring home in their folders which said President's Day would be a school day since we had so many ice days a few weeks ago. Again and again I felt like I just couldn't do what it was I was trying to do; I felt like I couldn't make the changes, because I was always going to be a scatter-brained, inefficient ding-dong. These little things that kept going wrong or that I kept screwing up were things that would have sent me over the edge before. What would be the tiniest of hiccups to a normal person would have wrecked my whole life and made me feel like I just wanted to be gone.
I was fighting that now. I felt like I was literally fighting for my life.
So each night I asked God to help me get up the next day. And stay up. And he has, and I have. (In the interest of full disclosure, Saturdays are for sleeping in!)
I have been unloading the dishwasher in the morning. I have been putting laundry away as I do a load at a time. I have been trying to keep the dining room table cleared off. These things sound like simple, no-brainer, stay-at-home-mom kinds of things...but they are things that I struggled to do, much less to do joyfully, every single day.
I have been reading to my kids every night. I have been doing devotions with Michaela using a new book that I really like. I have been cooking dinner. And I have been laughing with my children.
Before this last week I struggled to tell people,"I love you." I could say it easily to my parents and to Eliana. Everyone else? It was hard. It didn't feel right. (I have a lot of issues that I'm not going to address now as far as that goes.) But I have been able to tell my family,"I love you," these last few weeks. And mean it.
When Eustace as a dragon meets Aslan, the great lion tells him that he can get into an inviting pool of water only if he gets undressed. Eustace tries very hard to get himself undressed; he scratches and peels his skin off so that he can see it lying beside him "looking rather nasty". The lion watches him do this several times, but each time Eustace remains a dragon. He cannot get his skin all the way off no matter how hard he tries. Aslan tells him,"You will have to let me undress you." Eustace describes the experience:
The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt....Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off-just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt-and there it was lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly looking than the others had been....After a bit [Aslan had thrown Eustace into the pool] the lion took me out and dressed me...in new clothes...
Eustace could not undo his dragonness on his own. Aslan had to do it, and it hurt deeply. Once he saw the skin lying off of him, he realized how very awful it was, even more so than he thought originally. But he was so, so grateful to Aslan for doing the thing that he couldn't do himself.
Even more significant is Lazarus. He could not make himself alive again. Once he was dead, he was powerless to do a single thing for himself. But the Lord Jesus Christ was not powerless. He spoke and there was life. From the beginning of time this has been true.
Just as Eustace could not get rid of his own ugliness, just as Lazarus could not make his heart start beating again, I could not climb out of my pit. But God's grace is deep. His power is over all things, even death.
And at just the right time he answered my desperate prayers in a way that I didn't expect. Jesus called Lazarus out of the tomb, and gave him life again. Jesus has called me out of myself though. I have no doubt of my deadness. My life looked like death, and (here is the twist) what needed to happen for me to come back from the dead is for me to die. Die to all of the things that were separating me from God, taking me further and further away from him and all the blessings that he had given me.
Romans 8 says it this way:
Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God. You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you. Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation-but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.
(I had not carefully read the entire passage before I typed it all out...I was focused mainly on the last verse. As I typed I realized how the entire section is speaking about me!)
I have always loved the third chapter of Colossians. It has new meaning for me now...now I understand in a way that I didn't before what it means to say I have died, and my life is now hidden with Christ in God (not that I'm saying I fully understand!) Now I see that I do have to put to death those things that belong to my earthly nature, and instead live a new life having put on a new self. The gaping hole that death leaves behind can only be filled by God. It is supernatural. He fills that hole with peace, thankfulness, forgiveness, love.
Colossians 3
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is yourlife, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Here there is no Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Time and time again I have had this desperate, painful hope, a hope that I dared not let go of even though it seemed like I barely had a grasp on it. Right now, every day, I feel a burgeoning hope. Instead of a hope that hurts, this new hope makes my heart feel full, rather like it's going to burst. This hope makes me feel joy, a deep and genuine joy that I haven't felt in a long time, if ever. I am grateful for it. I have longed for it. I have died for it.
Really, my Lord and Savior Jesus died for it. He lived and died for me. And he lived and died for you. I know there is a lot of pain in this world, and not just in the world but in people's very personal and private lives. My prayer is that if you read this and understand the agony, because of depression or something else, that you would be encouraged...God saves us. He saves us from ourselves, and from the pits that we fall into whether we created them ourselves or not. I believe that it's a process, so I'm sure this journey will be a long one, and not always (if ever) particularly easy. But I know, and the Bible teaches me, that my God loves me, and will never forsake me. He carries me every step of the way, and his arms are big enough for you, too.
I hope that my story will serve as an Ebenezer, reminding me of how God has helped me thus far, and that it will honor and glorify him because the truth is, apart from God I am and would be completely lost, in every sense of the word. I also hope that it might be an encouragement to someone...there is not a place that is low enough that God cannot reach you.
Getting back to what I started out saying, beginning to live life in this way has changed a lot of things around here. They have been very good changes. But, I start my day around 7:30am, I am going with the kids and household things until about 9 or 10pm, and then I have regular cleaning up stuff to do (some kitchen stuff, laundry stuff, front entry stuff). Even not blogging I am up until midnight or later, and since I am trying to be more responsible around our home, I have chosen not to start posts so late at night.
It appears I need to hone my skills in efficiency. That can be Phase II.
I really want to make time to blog. And I'm working on that...but first I have to figure out how to get the grocery shopping/dry-cleaning dropping off and picking up/driving the kids back and forth to school/cooking/cleaning/laundry/reading at bedtime thing down pat.
Because I'm sure that's totally possible!
In all seriousness, if you are not born with the ability to do things efficiently, and have not developed efficient ways of doing things by the time you are 35 (or 37 or however old I am) then it is really, really, really hard to learn. But I am working on it.
And now this post is long enough to make up for the weeks of not posting and I should say good night.
I will end with this...God is indeed our Savior. He is patient and longsuffering, and his desire is that we would turn to him with everything that is weighing us down, and hand it right over. His love is so great, that I don't even have words for it. I'll use John's.
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him."
Reader Comments (16)
Wow, Christina! I am so full of joy for you. Continue with the baby steps and the path will lead you exactly where you want to go. You are showing the strength and courage that I always knew you had, but you somehow doubted. I can truly appreciate all the hard work you are doing every day and I am so impressed. You are a wonderful friend/sister and you deserve all the best.
I could relate to every part of this post! You described it so well. Thank you for sharing, I think this will help many people. You even used the exact same words I use when I pray before I get up in the morning, "Save me from myself." I shudder to think where I would be without Christ and His saving power. This is a GREAT reminder and encouragement to me!
Christina - Thank you for sharing your heart. You are brave. You are courageous. There is hope. And God has already made a way for you, sweet one!
How inspiring you are! Thanks for reminder of what we should all know, through God all things are possible!
Voyage of the Dawn Treader is on my list of top 5 favorite books of all time and that is my favorite scene. As always, your words are powerful. I am so glad you're able to put one foot in front of the other each day and move forward. It would be so easy to do otherwise. You are strong Christina whether you feel like it or not.
That was beautiful. Thank you.
I am so proud of you! Is it strange that I am proud of someone I know through the interweb only? Oh well, I'm proud, and I will own it! :) You are AWESOME no matter how many times you forget the butter! I am so glad you can see the light at the end of the tunnel and more importantly, the One who is shining that light.
Hi Christina! I found you through my wife, Nan at shawnanigans.net I'm a biblical counselor and your description of how Scripture called you to your new self is exactly what I challenge people to do as they walk through and out of depression in faith and obedience to the Good News. Could I link your post at my counseling ministry blog and facebook page?
Thanks for encouraging me.
I struggle with depression. I am so happy you are taking baby steps. I will pray for you.
I have so much to say. And nothing to say.
So I'll just give you an electronic hug.
And hope that's enough.
Christina! This post touches me so deeply! LOVE the verses! Love the part about Aslan removing the dragon's skin. I've got to read that book now!!! I'm so happy for you! So happy for your new found zest for life! So proud to see you tackling those day to day chores! Keep fighting the good fight! If God is for you who can be against you!
This was so lovely and encouraging. Thank you for being so honest. Your trust in God is inspiring and wonderful! I am hoping that each day you are feeling that burgeoning hope of God's grace. Isn't He so good?!
I LOVE YOU ALWAYS!!! I AM PROUD OF YOU!
I'm so sorry that you've been struggling :(
But I'm so glad that you've made the choice you did. Keep up the hard work-- you're worth it!
Beautiful. He is so beautiful in you.
The Wonderful Cross kept playing in my head as I read this post...
Were the whole realm of nature mine
That were and an off'ring far too small
Love so amazing so divine
Demands my soul my life my all
Oh the wonderful cross, Oh the wonderful Cross
Bids me come and die and find
that I may truly live!
My Sweet Neice~
You are so brave -- much more than I think you realize. Remember during this process, you need to take care of "yourself", keep taking the baby steps, and try not to get discouraged. No one is super mom or super wife...it's impossible. There are so many young mother's that feel overwhelmed at times and don't know what to do when there's no help or support. I remember feeling that way when the kid's were younger and I was working full time. I would wake up and cry first thing in the morning, knowing what was about to face me....ANOTHER long day of getting them ready for school, breakfast, bus stops (or taking them)....going to work, coming home, fixing dinner, homework, baths, school clothes ready for next day. Whew!!! BUT...I made it and you will too! Don't forget to stop and smell the roses along the way,which I think you're really good at. It's so obvious how much you love your children. They are precious gifts from God....guess what? YOU ARE TOO! I love you sweetie!!