The Chief End

(Note: I discuss sensitive issues in this post related to my past struggles with depression...just a heads-up in case that is too much for you today.)

Today I almost lost it in the car. I was very close to bursting into hysterical, sobbing tears because of the cancer that I am afraid I have, and I knew I couldn't start blubbing because I would likely crash which would cause a lot of problems for a lot of folks, and also because I didn't want to freak the kids out.

Oh, and also because I DO NOT EVEN HAVE CANCER (that I know of).

Something got me started, though, and pretty soon I was imagining the conversations I desperately needed to have with Michaela, and how imperative it now was that I start working on her quilt right away, as soon as we got home, so that she would have it to remember me by. I started tearing up thinking about how I wouldn't be around to help them with homework or prepare for their first dances or celebrate their wedding days. I thought about how sorry I was that I had wasted so much time, and not enjoyed them more. And I regretted every time that I have ever wished I were dead. 

There have been a lot of those times. It's something that seems incomprehensible, even to myself, but in those raw, terrible moments when a despair that is beyond reason pushed me to the edge of rational thought itself, and self-hatred (for a time) was victorious over all of the truth that I know, the thought of not existing anymore seemed like the only way to get relief. When I am no longer in that irrational place, I recognize that it is the epitome of selfishness. A little over a year and a half ago, I believe I was at the lowest point I had ever been. I was able to find a way out of that pit, and since then, I have been able to fight the downward spiral before it gets so devastatingly deep. Today I felt such sadness for all that wishing myself right out of the lives of the precious people in my family. As I blinked back those crazy tears, I felt a renewed sense of commitment to live! 

I want to live! And with purpose! 

Recently, Mike has been discussing the Westminster Shorter Catechism with the kids, and the first question is,"What is the chief end of man?" The answer that follows is,"Man's chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy him forever." Michaela had some interesting first thoughts on this; her initial response was an objection. Her thoughts were something along these lines: how can our chief end [main purpose] be to glorify God, because aren't we supposed to be out and about in the world, engaging with other people who aren't necessarily believers? Her supposition was that glorifiying God took place in church. In her mind, the catechism was saying that we were supposed to go to church and sing songs all the time. So, we talked about how it might look to glorify God if it were, indeed, our chief end, and not just something that took place on Sunday morning in a worship service. We also talked about the meaning of the word "enjoy" as well as the word happy (or happiness). Those are pretty loaded words today, and can mean a million different things. 

These conversations have been thought-provoking for me. There are so many ways that I manage to accomplish everything but my chief end, on both counts. What goes on in my mind and how I act during any given day often do the very opposite of glorify God. Neither do they bring me much enjoyment. What blessings could come if I would refocus. I think regularly about the verse in 2 Corinthians that calls us to "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." My thoughts are more likely to be accused of being captive to a pirate. 

The Bible is very clear about several things. Fear has no place in the life of a person who has been saved by the Father in Heaven. Despair can be transformed into joy, even though it be a process that takes a lifetime. Our time here on earth, the broken vessels that we may be, is eternally significant, but it's also meaningful now. 

So, I do not need to be afraid of cancer. Real or imagined. I can take my despair to the Lord who walks with us through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. I can strive each day to dig deep into what it means to glorify God in every single thing I say and do, make it a holy struggle to take captive the thoughts that lead to my actions, and live out this faith that has captured me and claims to make me whole.

Living is the key. I want to live. I want to live for Him. I want to make Michaela's quilt. I want to help Christian with his math homework (even if I have to use the "Family Math Notes"). I want to teach Eliana to read and write. Help them get ready for church. Help them navigate social media. Help them dress for a date. Listen to them and guide them as they figure out relationships (because I can tell them a LOT about what NOT to do) (ha!). Listen to good music with them. Listen to them play wonderful music on their own. Be with them when that person hurts them. Be with them when that financial lesson is learned. Be with them. Just be with them. 

And I haven't even mentioned Mike yet, or my parents, or my in-laws! Or the sweet friends that I have been blessed with!

There is a lot of living to do, am I right?!

The funny thing is, as I began this post, I was trying to get the kids headed toward bed too. All I wanted was for them to be somewhere else! This is a challenge for me, this business of living the life that I am called to live. I know it's not any more of a challenge than other people might have. And I know there are folks who are facing quite the difficult trials, or that deal with things on a daily basis that would rock my little world to the very core. I'm just saying I want to try. I would like to make this effort...to tell my kids that they are of the utmost importance, to show Christ's love to other people who might not know about it otherwise, to take my responsibilities as a Christian wife and mother much more seriously. 

I have no idea if what I just said made much sense. It was much clearer in my head before I wrote the first paragraph! And speaking of bringing glory to God in all that I do, I really need to run and finish some things around here tonight before I go to bed, because I am sure that waking up tomorrow, rested and ready to do all that I need to do, is a good place to start.

Comments

[Mindee@ourfrontdoor]

It sounds like you have a good grip on where you are, where you want to be and how to get there. I'm glad.

That being said, I think it's absolutely rational to get hysterical over possible cancer. Probably you should not listen to me though! :)