What I Hear...Is That What You Said?!
Saturday, December 29, 2012 at 11:19PM The girls love each other like sisters. Sometimes that means laughter and sometimes that means tears. Tonight, a very wise Wendy came over to break some things down with the girls, to help them learn how to actively listen, and to help them communicate with one another (and in the future with others) in a way that will let their feelings and thoughts be known, but also take into consideration the feelings of the other. This is a tricky skill at any age, really. And I was grateful to sit in on the exchange because I learned a lot myself.
The two of them practiced (and very maturely, I might add) listening to the other, and repeating what they heard: "What I hear you saying is..." They handled the conversation in a way that impressed me beyond what I can express here. They spoke calmly, they listened respectfully, they responded not-defensively. It really was productive. What valuable lessons to learn now!
After the girls got settled (there are a lot of spend-the-nights when we are in town), I went out to the kitchen and Mike was there. He smiled and said to me,"I see you left your Coke on the counter." I immediately said,"I wasn't finished with it! Did you toss it?!" He calmed me down and told me no. But I thought right away, how funny that we just got done talking with the girls about how it can be different, what a person says versus what someone else hears...and I did just that! I laughed and wanted to say to Mike,"What I hear you saying is,'I threw your Coke away when I saw it on the counter.'"
I'm grateful for Wendy, and her wisdom. I'm glad that she had the idea to help the girls take this important step on the road to successful and productive communication. And I really think that I will benefit from sitting in on the conversation! One of the last things she said to the girls was that it's okay to have emotions and to cry (one of them was surprised when we said we were proud and that they had done a great job, because, she said, they cried a lot)...then Wendy said,"If you hold all those tears inside, your heart will break."
I thought that was powerful. Our hearts aren't designed to withstand high pressure! We need to be able to say how we feel, and in healthy ways. Hopefully we can help them (and the other kids too) learn how to handle the emotions that come from being in relationship with someone else, and not just how to handle them but how to express them and use them for growth. From the beginning of time, letting one's emotions get the best of oneself has led to major disaster and heartache. As selfish human beings, this is going to be a life-long process; in the words of both of the girls (and almost simultaneously), there will be humps but they've cleared the mountains!
I'm learning with them. I know I have a long way to go. I hope that since they are getting a head start, they'll be farther along on the journey by the time they are adults.
And not middle-aged adults! But young adults!
(What I hear you saying is that Christina is middle aged...)
Reader Comments (3)
Okay, those girls are so fortunate to have a great conversational guide. I was long married and had to spend a LOT of money for that experience. :)
Good stuff.
That is such a valuable thing to teach them!!! We have a couple we're friends with, and NEITHER learned this valuable skill. Their marriage is in jeopardy, like SCARY jeopardy, because no one around them chose to invest in their futures in this way. They may not know it now, but you're setting your kiddos up for success in more ways than you know! That's a mom win!