An Opportunity to Grow (Up)
Friday, January 25, 2013 at 5:51PM Going to the bus stop for the first time, walking into a new classroom every hour for that first day of sixth grade, showing up at the birthday party not knowing the majority of the girls there (a sleepover party!), walking alone to the Baptist Student Union for the first meeting of the year as a freshman in college and feeling completely alone in a room full of people...just thinking about these moments makes my heart pound a little harder. My anxiety level rises a notch.
Michaela and I are going on a mother-daughter retreat tomorrow, and it's just an overnight thing, but I am so nervous. She knows the girls from Sunday School, Bible study, and choir. I know three of the moms, out of twenty. These are ladies that I have had conversations with, but just small talk. They are very nice. But I am so nervous. Speaking with someone as you pass by them at church is fairly easy. Spending 24 hours with women that you don't really know...that seems scary!
The women at our church have been so gracious to our family, so I really don't have a basis for my anxiety. (There is the germ thing...I don't like to go in public, pretty much, and I feel anxious about that, but this is alongside of that. Good stuff!) So I'm praying that I will get over myself, go with an open mind and heart, and have fun.
I tend to compare myself to other women. Does that sound familiar? And I am afraid that people think that I am a certain kind of person (think "gentle and quiet spirit") (Wendy, did you fall off your chair laughing?) since I am a pastor's wife (Mike is considered a pastor at our church, even though his ministry is more teaching than preaching from the pulpit). I usually blow the typical pastor's wife stereotype out of the water (whatever the typical pastor's wife stereotype is...is there even one?), and sometimes I do it on purpose. I never want to appear to be like someone I am not. (No fear there, ha!) (If there is one thing I've never been accused of, it's being fake.) (I think.) My guess is there is some middle ground, though, between the extreme sides of letting people think you have your stuff together and letting people know that not only do you not have your stuff together, you often can't even find it (it's under the laundry pile or behind the stack of books on the floor, or maybe even mixed up with the LEGOs).
Foolishly, I worry that my clothes aren't cool enough (Old Navy and Target vs. Nordstrom), or that I didn't do my make-up right (that one time a month that I wear it), or that my Kia minivan isn't worthy (there are more SUVs of the Lexus and Other Fancy Cars variety than Kias among those who attend our church). But those aren't the things that are important, and I know it! So I'm praying that God will help me to let those things go, and not only for my sake, but for Michaela's sake. I want to teach her that those things don't matter, and that what she is learning as she reads the Bible on her own, with me, or in Sunday School is not just words on a page that sound good in theory, but that the message has value today as a very relevant and practical one.
The bottom line is no matter how expensive my clothes are, no matter how perfect my make-up is, no matter how fancy my car is (or not), I am a broken sinner just like each person I come into contact with...and what we all need is a Savior. Jesus has come to save us, indeed, from our sin as well as our (my!) inordinate self-preoccupation.
As I was typing, I thought of Philippians 4:8-9,"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." The rest of the chapter says things like, "Rejoice!" and,"Do not be anxious about anything..." and,"[T]he peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Paul also reminds us that he has known both want and plenty, and affirms in verse 13,"I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Toward the end of his letter he says:
And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.
To our God and Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen.
Greet all God’s people in Christ Jesus.
What a wonderful reminder of just what I needed to hear! Think on all those excellent and praiseworthy things, praise him, trust him...and greet others in Christ Jesus.
Oh, to have really known this when I was in middle school!!
But seriously, how lovely that it all goes together. When we rejoice, we can be not anxious; when we pray, we have peace which guards our hearts; when we think on all the right things - the noble, the true, the lovely - we also have peace. He gives us strength, he meets our needs, we can know his grace...what a reward for standing firm in the Lord.
Instead of thinking about myself, I pray that I will be thinking about others this weekend. And while it isn't important whether or not my clothes are cool, it is important that I take some with me...so I better go pack. "I can do all this through him who gives me strength!" The big things and the little things...he considers them all.
Reader Comments (2)
How did it go? I had to laugh at your comment about middle school. I think you're probably a very refreshing change for a group of high end car drivers. :) We are still driving our little silver 1996 Acura, if that helps you any. That's our ONLY car. I think the fairly outward-oriented Dutch community around us isn't sure what to think of that. Our thought is: it's a piece of metal.
Oh that lousy comparison trap. I fall in far too often, myself. Sigh... I love, LOVE, how Phillipians 4:8 was brought to your mind as you were typing. God SO knows what we need and when we need to hear it, doesn't He? Whenever I have those same thoughts as you outlined, I remember something a mentor told me once a long time ago "Never compare your insides with someone else's outsides." (She also said to remember we all poop. I liked the first one better, personally. ;) ) Brave mama!