XXX
Wednesday, October 14, 2009 at 9:19PM This morning I took Eliana to school. Before we left the house she wanted to say goodbye to her daddy, so I found him, she told him bye, and he said to her,"Are you going to school? Are you going to see Ms. Carey?" with a big smile. She nodded her head, smiling as well.
As we walked up the sidewalk shortly after that, I followed up his questions with some more happy talk. I asked her the same questions, in the same excited voice, and then I told her that Ms. Carey loved her. I asked her if she was going to play with play-dough, and do a puzzle, and see her friends. Then I named her friends as she smiled and nodded at each name.
We got to her classroom door, which was open, and Carey was standing in the doorway. I set Eliana down on the floor and kissed her cheek; she then turned to the classroom, headed toward Carey, gave her a big hug, and never looked back. NEVER LOOKED BACK. There were no tears, not even the slightest fuss. She was just fine walking into that class, and I felt like such a huge obstacle had been overcome; there was such a great feeling of relief and gratitude that I actually cried as I walked away and headed to my Bible study.
With each day that passes, her independence, or at least her desire for it in many ways, grows. Sometimes it seems that it does so exponentially. Of course there are the moments when she wants me to hold her and nothing else will do (often when I am trying to make dinner, so I avoid things that are very complicated and that involve using two hands). More and more she is stepping away, though, and after she does, she'll turn around for a second, smile, and then say,"See you later, Mom." And she actually does say that. It's both endearing and heartbreaking, since I know that these first steps are just that...the first ones. The steps will get farther and farther away, the independence will grow.
This experience isn't new since she's our third child. But that doesn't make it any less of a challenge. There is a double-edged difficulty here; the letting go is hard, without a doubt (even though she's only two, and it's not like I'm sending her to a month-long overnight camp), but then there is the challenge of knowing the world that she is headed into. And not just her, but all three of my kids, and the other kids we know...all children, in fact. What kind of world are they inheriting?
There was a talk at our church tonight about the XXX-culture that our kids are growing up in. I missed the first twenty minutes, but during the part that I was able to hear I was astounded at the statistics. The percentage of teens having sex, the percentage of teens exposed to/checking out pornography, how easy it is to access the pornography. Kids, and grown-ups for that matter, are bombarded with images and ideas, a worldview which tells them that things are or ought to be a certain way, and really these images and the ideas that are put forth are not true or accurate. Kids are face-to-face with lies about sex constantly.
Each time I go through the check-out line at the grocery store, I glance at the magazines on either side of us, as well as at the entrance to the line, and the covers are full of sex related topics and issues. The pictures are sexy, the stories are about sex, either inside or outside of marriage or a relationship. The mall is the same way...there are ads that show off sexy bodies selling sunglasses, and of course there is the Victoria's Secret window, or Abercrombie and Fitch. Driving down the street we pass billboards that use sex to sell everything from Dr. Pepper to air conditioning companies. I just love passing Condoms To Go when my kids are with me in the car. Sex is impossible to avoid; we truly are bombarded (the term this presentation used) with it everywhere we go.
Even at the pediatrician's office...our doctor (just being funny, of course) asked Christian if he had quit kissing girls (since some of the warts on his neck went away). Christian got this goofy grin on his face and said,"Yes." So the doctor said,"You were kissing girls?!" And Christian giggled and said,"No!" Then he went on to say,"I never did kiss girls. Except her!" and he pointed at me and started laughing.
It seems so innocent, but I don't want my kids to have boyfriends and girlfriends when they're six, seven, nine, or ten. In the world we live in today, it may be dangerous to start talking like that with kids who are so young. I don't want to sound like an alarmist; and I can certainly go that route. But I do want to proceed with great caution. Parenting in our sex-saturated culture is a huge responsibility. I want to teach our kids about the beauty of sex. I don't want them to learn about sex from the world; the world is teaching the wrong lessons.
God created sex, an amazing and profound and intimate bond, that was meant to be shared by a man and a woman; he declared his creation of man and woman very good, including this unique way of connecting both physically and emotionally, of becoming one flesh. In spite of all that is wrong with the world, that union is still sacred and meant to be a blessing. God has a design, he has fashioned things to work in beautiful ways...if we allow ourselves to be guided by him we can know goodness and fullness of life.
I pray that we will take our part in this seriously, and that we will give these kids our open ears, hearts that don't judge, a strong foundation, honest answers, and our involvement to the point of being obnoxious but loving.
And a few good books on S-E-X.
Just kidding...
I have to say there are questions and conversations that I'm not looking forward to. (I have my own issues.) I'm grateful that I'm married to someone who balances out my fearful, irrational thoughts with more measured ones. He is steady when I am teetering on the edge of insanity.
As I consider all of this, and think of our children and how they are innocent and yet savvy already at such young ages, it could be easy to feel weighed down. Instead I am reminded that they are not ours, and the One who is holding them is stronger than me (us); he's more good than I am (we are); he even loves them more than I do (we do). Their heavenly Father is so much more capable of protecting them than I ever could pretend to be, that I have no choice but to trust him. Oh, I'll do my part; he gave me the job, after all. Mike and I will do it together (no pun intended, thank you very much). But we'll be leaning heavily on the grace that we have found in the Lord, and give our children over to that same incomprehensible grace.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I wanted to add a few thoughts after reading some comments and pondering these things some more. I hope that I didn't sound self-righteous with what I wrote...I am speaking from experience in many ways; I did some pretty stupid things that still hurt me to this day. When I think about the teenagers that I know, and hear stories about what's going on in school bathrooms or on schoolbuses or wherever, it breaks my heart because it isn't meaningless. It isn't harmless. I was just as confused as any normal teen, with crazy hormones and friends doing wild things. And I was (I believed) a Christian. One commenter said that it's talked about more now...that's true, and I think it has to be that way. Kids growing up need adults who they trust to talk to them about all these things. Honestly, not weirdly. I think back then a lot of adults just didn't realize.
I also know that there are lots of positive things, there are plenty of young people who are choosing to wait. There are solid, healthy marriages out there. There are families who are committed to raising a generation of conscientious young people, giving them a good foundation and an "inner moral compass" (another term this speaker used) that will help them make the right choices when faced with tough decisions.
As all of us are imperfect, I think that raising kids can be both a scary and a hopeful endeavor. It's scary because we know what it's like to be young and to be faced with choices that later seem like no-brainers but at the time are very difficult. We know what the choices are, what the consequences can be. But it's hopeful because we are on the other side of those decisions now, and maybe we made good ones or maybe we made bad ones and learned from the experience. Either way, we can pass that along to our children. We also hope in the Lord, who made us and loves us, and wants our best.
I hope this makes sense...I know it's kind of a hot topic. I appreciate any helpful comments and dialogue. "We're all in this together!" (ha, ha, to quote a brilliant piece of Disney's work)
some thoughts
Reader Comments (7)
I'm not even going to comment on the second half of your post because I so don't want to think about all of that yet! I know it's right around the corner but I'm going to hide behind their innocence as long as I can. And my kids are amazingly innocent as far as all of that goes, but I know it just takes one kid on the playground to shatter it...
What I wanted to say...I am so proud of Eliana, I KNEW she could do it! And I'm so proud of you for letting her prove it!!
That "never looking back" is the heartbreaker sometimes. Even though it's what you are raising them to be - independent, free-thinker, strong-willed... but it's just amazing how it happens. I am firmly convinced that although we rejoice in the "firsts" in all our childrens lives it is the "lasts" that we should take a moment to quietly savor and commit to memory. Your children sound lovely.
the one thing I wish I had more of in my house was structure, no one ever told me what to do or disciplined me, and I was pregnant at 17, I still graduated, early and everything worked out well for me, but I wish I had more honesty and integrity instilled at a younger age, before I didn't care and did what I wanted, it sounds like youre on the right track, just be aware and build lots of trust...
when it comes to statistics, I don't like the labels and think that there is alot to be said for the people who live under the labels, sometimes people forget to think of us as "normal" but we are and thats why we have trials. Try not to get caught up because these issues were happening for years and years, but now they have the funding to analyze and give the facts, where as before they just covered up issues like this.
You are aware and that's the really important thing, and you have some great values that you are passing on to your kids. You got this momma!
Jana, your comments are so valuable. Looking back at this post I wish that I had remembered to mention some of the positive things that the speaker talked about, it wasn't all bad. :) You are right when you speak of labels and being normal...I think that's why it's such a relief to live under grace and not any kind of law, if that makes sense. Thank you for these words!!
Yay for Eliana and yay for you! Boy that youngest one is the hardest to let go, aren't they?
My oldest is 14. I talk about sex as much as she'll let me but she HATES it. Which makes me giggle to myself.
The world is rough, but God is good.
I appreciate all your thoughts here, Christina. I have had many similar ones the last few years, with a boy being my oldest child. He got into Star Wars early and there are some pretty garish scenes with old Jabba and Leah. We had to have some conversations I wasn't ready for ("Mommy, why does she have a chain around her neck and those immodest clothes on?"). Seriously, George Lucas, you had to put that in? And don't even get me started on the outfits they put on the women in the superhero comic books.
Anyway, I do take comfort in the fact that sexual sin is one of the oldest in the book, and if there were temple prostitutes in ancient cultures, we have our equivalent now in Victoria's Secret ads. I assume the best we can do is to teach our children to be open with us and guard their hearts in general, and the more they truly care about what is right and good the more they will strive towards that in each area of life. And we pray, pray, pray, yes? "Greater is He who is in you than he who is the world." That's comforting.
Oh, and I plan to go through the first chapters of Proverbs with Hans when the time comes. It seems like a great "handbook" of sorts on sexual temptation. It talks about what the immoral woman looks like, sounds like, acts like, why she is appealing, how all the men who were taken in by her were "strong men" and what her way leads to. That's a conversation for another time, perhaps...
As usual, I'm nodding my head in agreement as I read through your post. The other day my daughter's friend (3 years old) said she had a boyfriend. What? My daughter doesn't even know what that means!! And that's the way I like it. Sexual images and ideas are everywhere and sometimes I feel overwhelmed at the task of shielding my children from it all. Like I just want to move away to a secluded island. But I know I have to raise children who can face what the world is selling and be savvy enough to pass it up. Like you said, God is in control and I just pray He'll protect and guide my kids.
elle