When a House Becomes a Home...

When you walk around a place and remember,"This is where Christian sat when he opened his birthday presents in this house for the first time."

When you remember having three other families, some of your closest friends, come and stay with you, and everyone had enough space and the kids all had a blast, and you can picture how everyone was sitting in the living room when you all played Cranium, or around the table playing Apples to Apples.

When you think about how it finally felt like it was your own crud making the place dirty, in the corners and around the edges.

When you remember holding your baby for the first time in it.

When you miss seeing your two oldest sleeping in the same room, in different beds but facing one another.

When the memory of watching Constantina Tomescu-Dita finish the Olympics 2008 marathon, calling out through tears and laughter,"You go, girl!" as your mom and you eat chocolate chip cheesecake, makes you want to cry.

When you remember everything fitting in its place (even though it totally didn't) and being put away so nicely (even though it totally wasn't).

When you can still see your baby sitting up, crawling, pulling up, and walking for the first time, from the middle bedroom into the hallway or in the schoolroom, or around the dining room table.

When you think with fond memories about how sweet it was that the two little chairs the kids have for their wooden table were always in the kitchen against the cabinets so that they could stand there and watch whatever you were doing because it was their favorite place to be.

When you miss how the kids used to run to the T.V. room front window/door and yell goodbye to their daddy after he walked out of the house onto the porch every single time (until that room got closed off and no one went in there anymore, but until then it was pretty precious).

There were so many things about that house, the one we just left, that drove me up the wall, plenty of things I didn't like.  But right this minute I am missing familiar.  And right this minute I don't feel like I'm home. I know that will change.  Part of me is uncomfortable in a big house.  I grew up in a small house.  For many years Mike and I lived in tiny apartments, some of those years with two kids.  This house feels so big, so spread out.  The kids feel far away.  Instead of more room for our stuff to fit in, it's more room for our stuff to mess up.   I remember a long time ago meeting a family that had opened up their home for a growing congregation to meet and worship.  Eventually the service found a more permanent home but this family still hosted many church events; I'll never forget the lady of the house and something she said on one occasion, a mother's tea.  She told the story of when she and her husband first moved into their very large home, of how she felt overwhelmed, like it was way too big.  She walked through, placed her hands on the walls, and prayed that God would make it smaller.  She had grown up in a rowhouse, a very small space, and felt at odds having such a big space now to call home. By the time I met her and heard this story she had had many years to work on making that house a home, and you have never been to a cozier, more settled, comfy, warm, inviting place in your life.  And although it was one of the biggest houses I had ever been in, it didn't feel big at all...it felt close, but in a good way.  Personal. For some reason that memory just came back to me, so vividly.  Maybe it was just for this time.  Maybe it was so that one day I could remember that big can be small.

There is so much work to do...people ask all the time,"Are you settled?"  I usually laugh and make a silly comment like,"Ask us in December...of 2013!"  But sometimes I don't feel like laughing about it.  I want to be settled.  I want to settle for the kids' sake.  It's hard, though.  It means I have to pick up something and put it away-find a place for it, or decide that there isn't a place for it.  I think of the verse from Joshua, where he declared before all of Israel,"But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD."  That is pretty humbling...the alternative being to serve other gods, because serving the LORD is undesirable.  Well, I know that I believe that isn't true (serving the LORD is undesirable), but I do feel like I need to continually revisit what it means for our household to serve the LORD, whether we are doing it here, or out and about.  Serving the LORD for me would certainly include getting order in our house for everyone's sakes.  Aside from all of the feelings that a house can elicit, maybe when as a household we are serving the LORD is when our house will truly become a home.

Comments

[Liz]

This is such a sweet post, so true. I hope you find a way to feel more settled soon, any house move is such a giant adjustment. :)

Hugs,
Liz