Oh, Shut Up, Christina
Friday, August 7, 2009 at 6:02PM Sometimes...okay, most of the time, I get on my own nerves so badly that I don't even want to be around myself. Which when you are your own self, not being around yourself is really difficult.
It's the little things that seem like such heavy weights, and I wish I had the kind of personality that looked at life with a more balanced perspective. I know all these things in my head, things that should affect how I live my life, how I treat my kids, what I teach them, how I spend money, where my thoughts wander, how I respond to challenges.
I have been such a pain lately. Part of that is feeling lonely, my friends just left, and I don't feel that connected to many people here. Making the effort is hard. I have been sad. Our house is a mess in so many small ways that collectively it feels like a giant monster breathing a foul stench in my face. Mike is counting on me to function like a normal person during the day so that he can get his work done, an insane amount of stuff he has to do, which I'm sure feels like so many heavy weights to him...and then there is me, one extra weight. He would never say that, but I feel like that. And me feeling like that makes me that weight. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I knew that psychology class in college would come in handy one day.
I start to feel like life is against me, that I cannot fight much less win. I'm not strong enough.
Then I read about this family, trying to heal, and this family dealing with a fresh wound, or friends of our family (my parents) who are also adjusting to that new normal without someone because of cancer. There is disease, hunger, poverty, injustice, slavery, war, terror...burdens that I am not bearing but someone else is. And there are people out there fighting for a cure, for a meal, for a home, for the right, for freedom, for peace, for safety.
Part of me wants to crawl under the covers and hide away forever. Then part of me wants to slap myself in the face, throw some cold water over my head, kick myself in the butt. I want to say,"Oh, shut up, Christina!" What can I do instead of all the whining, and all the moping? I'm sure I could start around my house, with my responsibilities to my husband and my kids. I could start reading the Bible again. I could pray for others, those really going through some hard times. Focus on something or someone other than myself.
When I was much younger I never thought that I would be the kind of person I am today. I don't want to be totally down on myself. I think I can be funny. I'm empathetic. I can bake some wicked chocolate stuff. I love my family. But I struggle with things that I never imagined I would. It's weird to look at yourself and see such a strange person.
I don't really know what else to write. I may take a blogging break for a few days. We'll see.
Reader Comments (4)
Oh Christina!! My heart is breaking for you. I wish I had a quick fix to recommend but I don't. It sounds like you're thinking through some good options. For what it's worth, I've been there - when my youngest was just about the same age as yours actually. :) If you want details of my journey, drop me a note. I won't clutter up your comment space with my drama.
Hugs to you.
Rats. I've been there and it makes me sad that you are there now. I think you have some strong "Perfect Melancholy" in you just like I do. Sometimes life just feels heavy...
Perspective is important, but it is also important that you allow yourself to feel what you feel and work through it without burdening yourself with guilt. We can always find someone whose lot in life is worse than ours, but making those comparisons isn't fair either. Sorrow is sorrow... loneliness is loneliness... we don't have to deny our own feelings even as we acknowledge the unique pain of someone else.
I know what it is like to feel out of place... I'm sorry. I wish there were more I could say.
Just wanted to say "I love you, Christina!"
I can totally relate to this post, I felt like I was reading about myself. Im sorry your friends have left, Im a military wife and I know that lonely feeling far too well. You are a brilliant writer and didn't sound whiny at all to me. Just very real. Thanks for sharing!