Just Try to Make Sense of It...
Friday, February 26, 2010 at 10:29PM The First Grade moms got together the other night for some food (duh) and some talking (um, duh).
I don't know these ladies very well. There is a lot of chit-chat amongst moms when you are dropping off and picking up, planning the birthday parties, and in-class activities. But the deep stuff...not so much.
I have a hard time making new friends these days. You know when you move to a place and there are already the very established circles of friends, and the people who have lived there for their whole lives, right down the street from their best friends (still)? I imagine that it's like that whenever we go somewhere new, regardless of what is the reality. And then I don't try too hard.
Because it's hard.
But it's also hard not to have friends.
These women are really wonderful. They are nurses, teachers, stay-at-home moms, decorators, counselors, health experts. I had a good time. I learned that I am not the only mom who feels the way that I feel around here, or thinks that the days are hard and long, or butts heads with their kid.
When you live in an atmosphere like the one I live in, where folks make a lot of money, wear super fashionable clothes (even jog suits), have diamonds the size of my fist, and always look together, it's easy to think you just don't measure up. This is a struggle I have no matter where I go, really, but it is exacerbated here. I know all the right things to say to myself; I know that God loves me, and has given His best for me. I know that the reality is that I don't (and can't - no one can or does) measure up to His standards, but I don't have to because Jesus lived that perfect life. I know that beauty is not most importantly an outward thing, and that there are many ways for it to be expressed. I know that money does not buy you happiness, a big, fancy home is not all it's cracked up to be, and that showers are optional.
Just checking to see if you were paying attention.
Years ago I made some of the best friends of my adult life. Now those friends are spread out all over the country, so I don't get to see them. I don't get to call and say,"Let's run to Walmart together," or,"The kids are driving me crazy...are you going to the playground today?" And of course, when your kids get older and the schedules are nuttier those opportunities don't present themselves the way they used to. (I mean, seriously...do I really want to take my own kids to Walmart, much less mine plus someone else's?!)
There is a part of me that longs for that time again. It was a special time, but short-lived. So now the question is will I live while I'm here? I have to make an effort if that's going to happen.
Mom? Dad? It would be a lot easier if you guys just moved here.
Back to the part about measuring up. There will always be those moms out there who "have it all together". Regardless of what is really going on, they will look good, dress well (even on the days when it's pouring rain and I'm in my fleece pants and Mike's old Tahoe t-shirt with no bra on wishing I could crawl back into bed and sleep to the sound of the storm), and never say anything about the fight with Christian their kid or how difficult it was to get up that morning, or how they served cereal for dinner last night. But what I discovered is that there are also the moms out there who are willing to say that things are not as they seem. Life is not perfect, and families are not perfect. And I don't have to measure up. In fact, there is nothing in the world to measure up to. I have to tell myself that...why would I want to live to those standards, knowing what is important, valuable, and eternally true? (I'm not sure if that is a question or not. But I put a question mark there anyway.)
I'm no entrepreneur. I'm no exercise maniac. I'm no fashion model. I'm no chef. There are so many things I'm not. But I am a mom. It's hard for me, but I am one. And for some crazy reason my kids love me at the end of the day (seriously, if you could have been here today, you would know what I mean). My husband loves me (and this is not an easy thing to do, folks). And even more unbelievably, the Lord loves me. These are the things that matter, no?
There comes a point where you have to believe that something is true, regardless of what seems to be. A friend of mine told me a long time ago that she trusted the soap to do its job, when I asked her how she could handwash dishes so nonchalantly (I have a lot of issues...dishwashing is the least of them if that tells you something). It really struck me (hello, I'm still thinking about it eleven years later). You can't really see that the soap has taken away all the germs on the dishes, but you have to trust that it has. I can't really see that I am accepted by God, I just have to trust that I am.
My life in Christ is weak right now. I wish sometimes that the trust would lead quickly to the life that lives that trust out. I think it's the other way around though. The life has to be lived in trust, and then both get stronger. I'm not sure that makes sense. I do know it's an active thing...the Christian life doesn't just happen to someone. The steps are hard, though.
But aren't we the Walkers? Isn't there something in a name?! Here's to taking some steps...walk with us. Walk with me.
some thoughts
Reader Comments (9)
Thanks for sharing. This has been a hard week for me with Andrew out of town and a lot of different things going on. I think about leaving CRW soon and facing the same things you are and it's scary. Being here is so safe, in so many ways, yet I long to be in my own house and moving on with our lives. It is sometimes hard to trust that we don't have to measure up for God. He loves us just the way we are. Even when we feel so different from those around us. Thanks for your honesty.
Persevere! It's a hard life but it's a good life... call me whenever you want to vent. Thanks for sharing and being genuine...
I'd love for you to get your hands on the Beth Moore bible study book and workbook called Believing God. If you could find the videos to watch, even better (I love watching Beth!). Made a big difference in my trust/faith life. :o) But like many others, I can simply say...I totally know what ya mean. (And I think you know that by now after reading my life every so often, LOL).
You can CHOOSE to sit and wallow, err wonder, what life would be like with all those "nice"ities or you can CHOOSE to focus on all the wonderful necessities that are being met. You can choose to look at what others have or what others do, say, wear, buy, etc....or you can choose to focus on all of your very own blessings. I know it is difficult in fancy schmancy Texas...haha...but then think about all those in Haiti, in Africa, in the impoverished areas of your downtown area...and wow, suddenly you are richer beyond belief!
One way to get away from this whole negative thought process...is to DO for others. When you take the focus off of yourself (not just in what you have or don't have...or how your day compares to others' days) and allow yourself to start focusing on what you can do for other people (by being His hands and feet in your community, outreach, the world, whatever)...suddenly all of this other stuff seems so insignificant. Know what I mean?
I don't mean to be preaching sister...LOL...just some of the things I've learned along the way when I was stuck in one of these spots not toooo terribly long ago. Really changed my outlook on life. Okay so if you're up for some reading....may I HIGHLY recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/Irresistible-Revolution-Living-Ordinary-Radical/dp/0310266300
It changed my life. Most of the (extreme) things in this book are so seemingly out of grasp for ME to do...but it opened up my eyes to sooooo much and prompted me to move into action in stuff that I could very well do (even if sacrificially). Read it...tell me your thoughts. In fact, I want to re-read it again.
Love you Christina! Glad you got out for a bit! Make that a habit...it will improve your life when you do some things for yourself. :o) (Speaking from someone trying to find time for myself too!)
What a wonderful post, Christina. You articulated your feelings (and feeling we all feel sometimes) so perfectly!
Thank you!
Loved this post! (Especially the part about showering being optional!) My husband moved me back to his small home town four years ago. Though I've never really found it hard to reach out and make friends....I'm a bit on the extrovert side of things.....it was hard since I was at home 24/7. I do have my circle of friends now, but I feel your pain. I think we are all guilty of looking at someone else's life and finding what about it is better than our own. (I often wish I could view myself or my life from someone else's perspective so I could see what others envy about me! Then I'd fixate on those areas to be thankful! Ha!) No matter, I loved your willingness to be so transparent. We all have had the thoughts you expressed. (And to say otherwise is a bold-faced lie!)
I am super, super proud of you for going! I know all too well how hard it is to walk into a room like that. Good for you. :)
No one has it all together Christina no matter what it looks like. You are doing what you are called to do - mom and wife to the family God gave you. Other women have other callings. And I KNOW that no matter how "together" another woman's life or family may seem you wouldn't trade your brood for anything.
But yes, an extra $100,000 or so a year would not suck!
two more great books (Christians tend to solve things by giving book recommendations, I have noticed, so I will jump on the train): Crazy Love by Francis Chan and Donald Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years
"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."
ohhhh YES Missy! Crazy Love is an AMAZING book (and so is his "follow-up" Forgotten God....yes Christina, get these books too! LOL They are AWESOME!!) :o)
I had the hardest time knowing what to say when you first posted this because I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND but you said it so well, I wasnt hearing wantsies or anything whiny. I just love who you are and I hope you love you too. I remember wanting so badly to go home when I first had to move away from my parents, but honestly I wouldnt have grown as much if I hadnt been on my own, and as much as I love them I was still held to all my mistakes in my home town. Its a journey isnt it? I am walking right along with you.