Virtual Reality
Tuesday, July 27, 2010 at 9:24PM I have thought for a long time about this post...should I write it, what would I write, when might I write it, would I write it at all?
In June I made a split-second decision that I would stop blogging. This took many people by surprise, including me. For a long time I thought that keeping a blog was a great outlet for me, a way to maintain my sanity in what sometimes seemed to be a nutty existence. At first I just spent a little time writing about our days; sometimes it was actually funny, sometimes I tried to see the humor in the things that went on in our house and lives, and sometimes I wrote about things that were on the serious side. I loved imagining my mom reading my posts and laughing out loud (she said she spit her orange juice out at least once...that made my day). I read The Pioneer Woman and that was about it.
But little by little my blog reading grew and grew, and my time on the computer went from only after the kids were in bed to here and there all through the day as well as after the kids were in bed. I went from cleaning up at the end of the day before getting on the computer to getting on the computer and waiting until it was very late to start cleaning up. And I started to care more about what was going on in the lives of almost strangers than what was going on in my own home and family.
That sounds so harsh when it's in black and white like that. But the truth is, that is what my actions were declaring, even if those words never came out of my mouth.
Unlike words on paper (or a screen), life is not always black and white. Those gray, complicated areas make life interesting, to say the least. It seems blogging isn't a black and white area. I've missed it, and I haven't. It's been hard not to blog and it's been easy not to blog. I want to write again for the masses (or the tens ten) and I don't want to publicly write anything ever again. Sometimes I feel like there is a lot at stake either way.
I have been encouraged in many ways by friends, both real-life and virtual, since I stopped writing here...encouraged about what I had previously written and how it affected others, as well as encouraged to continue to write, whether on a blog or not. I have had several conversations about blogging or not blogging with very important people in my life. I so want to do the right thing. I would love to be a healthy blogger.
BlogLite. Great taste, Less filling.
That needs work.
I was hoping that by quitting the blog I would get to bed earlier, get more sleep, be there for my kids and my husband, cook dinner every night, get to the store once a week, and live happily ever after. So far, these things haven't magically happened.
Did you just fall out of your chair?! I know! Me too!
We have been gone all summer (the kids and I, mostly) and it has been one of the most difficult summers of my life. It has been much harder than I was thinking it would be in May. It's pretty ridiculous that I would say that, since we've been staying with family whom we love, and I've had help with things like bedtime and cooking dinner, and we've gotten to do some really fun stuff like visit museums and stay at the beach for a month. (I know. I could have written the song "It's the Hard-Knock Life".)
BUT...We also found out I was pregnant, and then I had a miscarriage just before we arrived at the beach. While no time in my life would be a good one to experience a miscarriage, while at the beach with my three children, one who is a pre-schooler, is particularly untimely. This, of course, is my human perspective on the matter. (And who just said that I have a pre-schooler? You better shut your mouth. That is just plain mean.)
My emotional health has been in a state of upheaval for quite a while now, so this turn of events in each of its stages has been quite a doozy. It has been a strange two months, following several months for which I do not think I can come up with a word. I wish I were the kind of person who was wired to be optimistic, or calm, or to take things in stride. Alas! I am not. There are people telling me that these are things I can learn, though. And I know the Bible teaches that there is One to help me, there is One who will never forsake me.
We'll be home soon. When we left home we were a family of six, albeit number six was very, very tiny. When we return home we will be a family of five. The same five Walkers, but not the same at all. I don't know where I'm headed sometimes, but I suppose it is something of great significance that I'm not walking alone. I need to reach out for those hands beside me more frequently; I need to look into those eyes more often; I need to tell those hearts that I love them.
That is what is real. That is what is real.
Reader Comments (8)
Christina, I am glad to see you back. I have really missed reading your insights and about the world you live in. You seem to live a "real" life. I t makes me feel like I'm not the only one who is emotional and lives through struggles. I will be praying for you and your family through this difficult time you have been having. I know life is different for you, but I also know your faith will help bring you through.
Glad you are back and I totally understand how blogging gets a little out of control. I've missed you! I'm sorry for the loss of your baby. I have been praying.
It's so good to see you on here again. I'm sorry for your loss.
I wondered, but didn't want to ask. I'm so sorry Christina. Sorry for all of it. It sounds like the "valley of the shadow of death" big time. Hang on friend. Hang on.
I am so sorry for the loss of your little angel. Hugs for you.
I'm happy that you are blogging again--I hope you can find the balance--I seem to find the balance, lose it, then find it again.
I love you, friend.
Praying, always.
wow. will pray for you...
I just realized I never commented on this post - I had gone back and read it when I discovered you'd returned to the blog world, but did one of those it's-so-late-I'll-come-back-and-comment-later things which never works out because I'm lazy and have a bad memory.
But I'm so sorry for your loss.
And I'm glad you returned.
The Internet was a little bit sadder without you.