Still and Small
Monday, August 9, 2010 at 9:23PM I think it's fairly obvious that I haven't been doing so great, so I won't belabor that point...I have a very hard time every day doing the small things, much less any big thing. I think back on the years when I was growing up, when I was in college, summers working at camp and I wonder,"When did I begin to feel this way, when did I begin to see each day as something to be dreaded rather than something to look forward to? A new beginning?" I can't come up with an answer.
Today, I was in the bed a lot. I got up to feed my kids. And I got up because the bug guy was coming. I have had a very hard time sleeping because, well, partly because I always do here and partly because Mike is gone and I hate being here alone like that. I love that he's on a mission trip, and that he is most likely gaining as much as he is offering, but...nighttime is really difficult. So, I am beyond tired during the day.
The kids have been awesome; they play and they might watch a movie, and today they even went out on our back porch and had a snack. They really wanted to go to the pool, and I had told them that we might be able to today; even though it was quite late by the time I felt like I could get out of the house I took them because they wanted to go so badly. They had a great time.
Eliana has been practicing her swimming. She flops herself out flat just under the surface of the water and kind of dead-man-floats for a few seconds, then kicks like crazy and shoves her feet down to the bottom of the pool so she can stand back up. It's pretty funny. She comes up out of the water with all of her hair over her face...she looks a bit like Harry from Harry and the Hendersons. She pushes her hair out of her face, though, and beneath it she is all smiles. And cheeks.
While she does all of this swimming, though, she is doubtless swallowing a great deal of water. This was certainly the case tonight and after a while she told me that her tummy hurt, so I made her sit out on a picnic table seat, and then I had her lie down on her side to see if she might be able to burp. As I laid her on her side I noticed a bracelet or necklace charm that someone had lost, lying on the cement. It was a small rectangle with words imprinted on it. The words were "Live your life".
It was as though someone stopped me, took my face in his hands, and said to me firmly, but kindly,"Live your life."
I don't. I get through the days, wishing them to go by as quickly as possible, wishing time to go on so that a less difficult period were here.
I know you are laughing right now. As if that existed...I truly know that each stage of our life as a family will bring its own challenges. But, when I'm in the middle of a particular stage, I often think,"In a few years it will be easier."
At any rate, I couldn't stop looking at that charm. I can't help but think that I was meant to see it. A still, small voice was talking to me, saying quietly,"Live your life." Be present in your life. Do things with your children. Talk to them and listen to them. Participate.
Hope lingers, even now. There is a still, small voice that is greater than all of the deafening shouts and roars that try to convince me that there is no hope. That still, small voice, though quiet, is powerful. And lovely. May I come to see life in the same way.
I know I am not the only one who struggles. I do not want to come across sounding completely self-centered. What I do want is to show that someone else is not alone. For reasons that are mysterious to me and beyond my comprehension, even when I feel full of despair, the hope still rises to the surface. It cannot be drowned. Just like the voice. If you read this, and have felt this way too, then my prayer (may it be heard) is that hope will be a bouy for you. Cling to it...hope is life. May we find it, although it be little by little.
Reader Comments (2)
this is beautiful, my friend. been thinking of you so much and want to reconnect soon.
what a neat God ordained moment you had there at the pool...what a tangible reminder He loves you and wants you to keep that HOPE. xoxo
I know that feeling! It seems like most of my life has been lived this way. I guess there's been ups and downs, but I am not one of those buoyant people that always seem up and energetic and ready to find and do good. I'm just always wishing I were that way. Thank you for being honest and letting us know we are not alone!