All come from dust, and to dust all return. Eccl. 3:20b

The Bible teaches us that the Lord made man from the dust on the ground, and breathed life into his nostrils.  When Adam and Eve disobey, the punishment ends with this: "...for dust you are and to dust you will return." Before we moved into this house I was able to come over and sweep and mop the floors (I got part of the way done downstairs, but not all).  I was so excited because all of the floors I did do had very little dust on them, and the house had been empty for two weeks or so.  I thought,"Maybe this house gets less dusty than our house," which had people coming and going up and down the hallway every day.  Under the couch was getting very crowded-we had complaints. What I have discovered since we've been here for a couple of weeks now, however, is that it is us who makes the house dusty.  This may not be a revelation for most people.  Maybe I should not admit this out loud.  But it's me, and I like to do things like that.  I realized that the dust comes from us.  So, unfortunately, we will not escape the dustball-entrenched condition of our previous home(s). No, I just need to sweep more frequently.  Or give Eliana the broom...she does a great job.  Or Michaela and Eliana work well as a team.  And Christian loves to mop, so I need to get him busy, too. Great!  Now I have a game plan.  Because as long as we're living, we'll be "returning to dust." On the brighter side of things...

Psalm 103

Of David.

¹ Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. ² Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits- ³ who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, ⁴ who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, ⁵ who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. ⁶ The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed. ⁷ He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel: ⁸ The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. ⁹ He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; ¹⁰ he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. ¹¹ For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; ¹² as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. ¹³ As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; ¹⁴ for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. ¹⁵ As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; ¹⁶ the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. ¹⁷ But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children- ¹⁸ with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts. ¹⁹ The LORD has established his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all. ²⁰ Praise the LORD, you his angels, you mighty ones who do his bidding, who obey his word. ²¹ Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts, you his servants who do his will. ²² Praise the LORD, all his works everywhere in his dominion. Praise the LORD, O my soul.

Little Goals, Big Picture

Today I started with one thing.  I looked around, and saw all that still needs to be done-the boxes, the cleaning, the everyday and routine stuff-and I thought,"I need to pick up one thing and put it away."  So I did. That one thing led to a couple more things, and then I started clearing off the table in the schoolroom.  It was heavy-laden. Eliana was asleep, Christian and Michaela were having some computer time, and it was just me and a quiet room that needed to be ordered.  I was busy, working steadily, accomplishing one thing at a time. I worked for about one hour, and realized that it was time to get ready for Christian's soccer game.  I felt good about what I had been able to put away, sort, or trash. When I went back through the room later this evening, I glanced at the table.  I could hardly tell that anything was gone of off the top even though I had unpacked two boxes, as well as returned an assortment of odds and ends to their proper places.  I felt so discouraged. I suppose I just can't do that, though.  I have to know that I did get something done, even if it doesn't look like it.  And then I have to keep on going.  I keep telling myself that eventually it will be great, when things are ordered and put away, and we're really moved in.  This process seems to take forever for us, but the truth is that the last three homes in which we lived, we were there for two years or less.  I almost feel like we never have had the chance to really settle.  We will be here for a while (as far as we know), so this could be the time that we get good and moved in! So, ask me in about six months or so how things are going, and I will have a very positive answer for you!  Six months sounds like a long time to some, but I think that is a good goal for us.  That way, if it's sooner, we will have some big-time celebrating to do!

Tunnel Vision

Well, here it is quarter 'til midnight, and I'm sitting at the computer because then my back is turned to the DISASTER LURKING BEHIND AND ALL AROUND ME. There, that feels better.  No secrets here.  Everything out in the open. And when I say everything, I mean everything.  Like all of the boxes that we moved from the old house (that is a slight exagerration-a lot of the kitchen boxes were unpacked right away.  But everything else...lurks).  And all of our towels because I haven't been able to get the bathroom shelves clean yet.  And the toys.  And the books.  And the clothes that have not made their way into closets, dressers, or armoires (for the record, moving has not solved my clean-laundry-problem; you could read about that elsewhere on this blog if ever your heart desired to be informed of such a thing).  There is a tripod keeled over right behind me.  I need to put that away before it is broken (I'm sure we have no use for a bi-pod).  There is a cute little lamp peeking out from behind some boxes, waiting to be perched somewhere, in order to offer a tiny spot of light.  There is a broken doll table I've been meaning to fix for a couple of months now; it survived the move without further damage.   There are garbage bags of toys that were hiding beneath furniture over there.  Bathroom boxes, plastic Easter eggs, shoes. My kitchen is cleaned up, though. See, I have to keep telling myself,"Look at what you did do."  Otherwise, I would be so sad.  The regular, everyday stuff takes so much time.  And I am not even managing to get those things done well, either.  It can make a person feel...inadequate. Then there is a rush of folks saying,"Don't be so hard on yourself!  Look at what's going on all around you!  You have so much on your plate!" I wish I had a piece of chocolate cake on my plate; how about that? I know there is a lot going on.  Mike is busting his buns to get everything out of our old house and over here, as well as helping get this house clean (which, if you know me, you can understand what a ridiculous task that is-I know I make things complicated...but that's me).  I'm trying to keep Eliana out of the bucket of cleaning water while cleaning shelves (this house has three thousand built-in bookshelves, and I want to clean them all-that takes time, you know?), feed Michaela, because she wants to eat something small six times a day (who told her about that eating plan, anyway?), play games with Christian while Eliana naps in the afternoon so that he gets some attention and has a positive thing to do... I feel like normal people can do all these things while unpacking, redecorating, organizing, gardening, grocery-shopping, planning and cooking large and nutritious meals, making meals for the folks in the community or church who are in need, remembering all the things they need to do for the stuff going on at their kids' school, getting the laundry done and put away, feeding the homeless, teaching their children good manners, cleaning the toilet regularly, ironing the clothes, picking up the dry cleaning (on the way to the grocery store, because these people are efficient), mending the holes in pants and socks, building a new coffee table and headboard in their spare time, and painting their toenails on top of all that. Um, did I brush my teeth today?  Yes!  I did do that. I know that there is a light at the end of that tunnel.  But the tunnel seems so long.  Can I borrow a flashlight for now (ours is in a box somewhere...)?

Jesus Loves Me, This I Know

I feel like we are going backwards with Eliana and her sleeping patterns...at the beginning of this year I could put her down at night and leave the room and she would go on to sleep.  It was so nice (and early!  7:15 or so) and I had plenty of time to get my other kids ready for bed and read to them, before beginning my nightly clean-up and anything else I had in mind to accomplish. Somewhere along the line (it's always fuzzy, that somewhere place, isn't it?) she became very clingy at night and I stupidly lovingly obliged her sweet hugs and stayed in the room with her until she fell asleep in her bed.  This was fine and I still could get the others to bed, but over time the whole bedtime thing just got later and later; it took longer and longer. Now she can make herself stay awake forever, and she wants me to hold her ("Hold you!  Hold you?"she says over and over, and it's pitiful), and she'll scream and she's sad and she's mad, and I think,"What should I do?" Many might say,"Just leave the room."  Well, we've just moved.  We're in a new house, and things are not in their proper place yet.  We've had late evenings.  My parents just left.  There are some things that are very unsettling in her little life, and I don't want to do something that will cause her great fear or anxiety (athough I did put her through swimming/floating lessons...).  I want her to eventually like lying down in her bed and getting cozy with her blanket or bear or doll. Sometimes she will lie right down and look at her books in her bed, and talk to me a little.  She might want me to hold her for a minute, give me a big squeeze, a little kiss, and then she'll snuggle in.  I never know on any given night which way it will go. Tonight it was the crying, clinging route.  I held her for a while and told her how sleepy I she was, and all the sweet things I always say at bedtime.  She didn't buy any of it.  Her money was on dragging this out as long as she could.  She fussed; I got exasperated.  Things weren't going well... So, I sang.  I'm no Julie Andrews but my kids like it when I sing.  I started singing Jesus Loves Me and she got very quiet and put her forehead on mine.  When I finished the song she said,"Jesus?"  I asked if she wanted me to sing it again and she said,"'gain."  So I did...and as I softly sang those simple words I listened to them myself.  "Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.  Little ones to him belong; they are weak, but he is strong.  Yes, Jesus loves me.  Yes, Jesus loves me.  Yes, Jesus loves me, the Bible tells me so." Those words, so simple but so powerful, calmed my own spirit down.  My tension eased a little.  I held Eliana as I sang her those words, and listened with my heart to their beautiful message.  I needed that reminder myself.   I am little, he is great; I belong to him.  I am weak, he is strong; I can rest in him.  And yes, he loves me.

Here Is...

Eliana when I say,"Smile!"

and, all the furniture in our new house...

Can you see it?  I needed something to set keys on and stuff.  So, I know that that space is too big for this little table, but I also know it is too small for our coat bench.  Maybe a coat rack?  Do people have coat racks anymore?

Can I just say moving is hard?  It's hard to get things ready to go over there.  It's hard to get the place ready for our things.  It's hard to think about starting over, again, even if it is just around the corner (there is still organizing, figuring out where things ought to go, how furniture will fit, where will we keep our luggage, how about the Christmas stuff).  I am excited to be in this new house, but I don't like change.  Change makes me want to cry.  It makes me feel hormonal and weird and anxious. 

Paul says to the Christians in Philippi:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:4-9

"Do not be anxious about anything..."  Maybe I should memorize this verse, chant it, write it on my forehead.  "...if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things."  This part too.  Pretty good stuff (no surprise there).  I was ranting earlier about how stupid things happen to me (or, more accurately, I cause stupid things to happen) each minute of the day, which makes me mad and frustrated.  The response was that, no, stupid things weren't happening each minute, but I was thinking about the two stupid things that did happen each minute instead of just letting them go.  That is true.  I wish it weren't true.  Can I get to the point where it's not true?  Ah!  Paul says to think about things that are true...true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable...here is a place to start.  I will think,"I need to let that go."  I will tell myself,"I need to let it go that it is 10:26 p.m. and there are fools folks out there honking their horns like Brazil just won the World Cup again, while my baby girl is trying to sleep after not taking a nap today (what is up with that?!)."  I will let that go.  (Deep breath)  Ahhh.

I really would like to get to this place, this place of peace.  I am always all riled up inside.  That cannot be good for my inside, or my outside, or those who are on any side.  I need that peace, guarding my heart, that soldier marching, that sentry shielding the bad, blocking the ornery, wielding a sword at the enemy (even if it is myself!).  The promise is that the God of peace will be with me.  That is no small thing...