The Time Traveler

Mike has been in tomorrow for the last twelve days.  He left for Kenya three days after I returned from Florida.  I knew all summer that our schedule would be crazy like that, and we would be passing one another like ships sailing in opposite directions over the ocean blue.  I may have done things differently had I known all of the things that would transpire this summer.  But...you can't change the way things have gone, now, can you?

The kids thought it was neat that Dad was so far across the world that it was already the next day.  But what is even better is having him back in our time zone.  In our house.

Maybe I will be able to sleep again.

Although, I have enough laundry to do that if I didn't go to sleep and just washed and washed and washed, I might be done by Labor Day.  I have to confess that it is not all Mike's fault...I had to catch up on putting the clean stuff away, so I let a few days go by in which I did no laundry.  This always turns out to be a bad decision.

The good news is that the bed is all cleared of clean clothes, so that he can get a good night's sleep tonight.  Time travelers need a lot of rest, you know.

Did I mention that it's good to have him back?

Her Toothy Smile

Michaela had her teeth removed.

Not all of them!  Just two.  It was supposed to be three, but while we were away this summer, nature gave us (and our wallet) a helping hand and one of the three teeth came out at the beach (this cost a lot less and required no sedation or numbing of the gums).

Does that give you the shivers?

A friend came over bright and early in the morning...much earlier than I have been getting up.  She stayed with my two youngest offspring, while Michaela and I went merrily on our way. 

The truth is, she was not merry.  She was very nervous.  She kept asking me about when I had my teeth pulled, what it was like, if it hurt, if there was a shot...  I couldn't remember anything about it, though.  Well, I have a vague memory of singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" and calling the doctor Hot Lips or something along those lines.  I don't think it was to his face.  But those memories weren't very helpful as far as easing her troubled mind. 

We had to be there an hour early so they could give her a sedative.  Following this she got to pick a movie and just chill for 45 minutes.  She picked The Little Mermaid.  Can I just interrupt here a second and say that Ursula is one scary woman?  Octopus.  Whatever.  She is pretty evil.  Thank you for letting me share that.   All right...they called Michaela back to the room where she would say goodbye to two of her baby teeth in one quick fell swoop.  (The ones behind the ones beside her two front teeth...clear enough description?)

Michaela is a trooper.  She is brave and calm and I don't know where she came from.  I might think that she wasn't mine except I clearly remember pushing her out.  The doctor, as he was administering the shot which would numb her for the pulling, kept saying things like,"You're the best; what a great patient!"  I assume he says this kind of thing to each child that he has to perform tooth extraction on, but I wonder if he didn't mean it a little more sincerely with her.  She was so still, so trusting.  She did have a "nose" on...that probably had something to do with it. 

I was pretty proud of her.  She faces adversity much better than I do.  Maybe I need a daily sedative and gas mask...

Lighten Up

One of my favorite things about this summer was Christian's hair.  That may sound strange, but I really loved it.  We didn't cut it all summer, and it got crazy long.

Even at the beginning of June it was in need of a trim, and while we were at my parents' house we talked about it several times...but just never went and had it done.

I love how it flipped out from beneath his hat. 

It didn't seem like a big deal that his hair was so long since we were headed to the beach anyway.  I thought he would look pretty good, with surfer hair.

Really, it didn't seem that long.  Just a little bit over his ears.

When he came up out of the water the first thing he would do is take his fingers and flip his hair up, so he could hear.  He had these funny wings over his ears most of the time.

The days passed and it got longer and longer...I loved it though.  I love the shaggy, beachy, wild look.  It seemed just right.

By the time we arrived home, it was longer than it has ever been.  I asked him if he was finally ready for a haircut, since we were home and we had to get ready for school anyway.  He said yes and then said,"I want a buzz cut."

This wasn't the first time he had said it, actually, but I didn't think he was serious.  I got on the computer and showed him some examples of buzz cuts.  He pointed to David Beckham and said,"I like that!" 

Well, who wouldn't? 

I said,"You like his hair?"  He assured me that he did, and that he wanted to do that to his own hair.  Cut it that short.  All off.

So...we went to the SuperCuts. 

And we told the lady,"Buzz cut, please."

And she took her buzzer and she revealed Christian's eyelashes

as well as his ears, and a smile.

Not that the smile wasn't there before, but I do think he likes the buzz.

And as much fun as I think his long summer hair was, I have to admit the buzz cut is pretty cute.

Still and Small

I think it's fairly obvious that I haven't been doing so great, so I won't belabor that point...I have a very hard time every day doing the small things, much less any big thing.  I think back on the years when I was growing up, when I was in college, summers working at camp and I wonder,"When did I begin to feel this way, when did I begin to see each day as something to be dreaded rather than something to look forward to?  A new beginning?"  I can't come up with an answer. 

Today, I was in the bed a lot.  I got up to feed my kids.  And I got up because the bug guy was coming.  I have had a very hard time sleeping because, well, partly because I always do here and partly because Mike is gone and I hate being here alone like that.  I love that he's on a mission trip, and that he is most likely gaining as much as he is offering, but...nighttime is really difficult.  So, I am beyond tired during the day. 

The kids have been awesome; they play and they might watch a movie, and today they even went out on our back porch and had a snack.  They really wanted to go to the pool, and I had told them that we might be able to today; even though it was quite late by the time I felt like I could get out of the house I took them because they wanted to go so badly.  They had a great time.

Eliana has been practicing her swimming.  She flops herself out flat just under the surface of the water and kind of dead-man-floats for a few seconds, then kicks like crazy and shoves her feet down to the bottom of the pool so she can stand back up.  It's pretty funny.  She comes up out of the water with all of her hair over her face...she looks a bit like Harry from Harry and the Hendersons.  She pushes her hair out of her face, though, and beneath it she is all smiles.  And cheeks. 

While she does all of this swimming, though, she is doubtless swallowing a great deal of water.  This was certainly the case tonight and after a while she told me that her tummy hurt, so I made her sit out on a picnic table seat, and then I had her lie down on her side to see if she might be able to burp.  As I laid her on her side I noticed a bracelet or necklace charm that someone had lost, lying on the cement.  It was a small rectangle with words imprinted on it.  The words were "Live your life". 

It was as though someone stopped me, took my face in his hands, and said to me firmly, but kindly,"Live your life." 

I don't.  I get through the days, wishing them to go by as quickly as possible, wishing time to go on so that a less difficult period were here. 

I know you are laughing right now.  As if that existed...I truly know that each stage of our life as a family will bring its own challenges.  But, when I'm in the middle of a particular stage, I often think,"In a few years it will be easier."

At any rate, I couldn't stop looking at that charm.  I can't help but think that I was meant to see it.  A still, small voice was talking to me, saying quietly,"Live your life."   Be present in your life.  Do things with your children.  Talk to them and listen to them.  Participate.

Hope lingers, even now.  There is a still, small voice that is greater than all of the deafening shouts and roars that try to convince me that there is no hope.  That still, small voice, though quiet, is powerful.  And lovely.  May I come to see life in the same way.

I know I am not the only one who struggles.  I do not want to come across sounding completely self-centered.  What I do want is to show that someone else is not alone.  For reasons that are mysterious to me and beyond my comprehension, even when I feel full of despair, the hope still rises to the surface.  It cannot be drowned.  Just like the voice.  If you read this, and have felt this way too, then my prayer (may it be heard) is that hope will be a bouy for you.  Cling to it...hope is life.  May we find it, although it be little by little.

Virtual Reality

I have thought for a long time about this post...should I write it, what would I write, when might I write it, would I write it at all? 

In June I made a split-second decision that I would stop blogging.  This took many people by surprise, including me.  For a long time I thought that keeping a blog was a great outlet for me, a way to maintain my sanity in what sometimes seemed to be a nutty existence.  At first I just spent a little time writing about our days; sometimes it was actually funny, sometimes I tried to see the humor in the things that went on in our house and lives, and sometimes I wrote about things that were on the serious side.  I loved imagining my mom reading my posts and laughing out loud (she said she spit her orange juice out at least once...that made my day).  I read The Pioneer Woman and that was about it. 

But little by little my blog reading grew and grew, and my time on the computer went from only after the kids were in bed to here and there all through the day as well as after the kids were in bed.  I went from cleaning up at the end of the day before getting on the computer to getting on the computer and waiting until it was very late to start cleaning up.  And I started to care more about what was going on in the lives of almost strangers than what was going on in my own home and family. 

That sounds so harsh when it's in black and white like that.  But the truth is, that is what my actions were declaring, even if those words never came out of my mouth.

Unlike words on paper (or a screen), life is not always black and white.  Those gray, complicated areas make life interesting, to say the least.  It seems blogging isn't a black and white area.  I've missed it, and I haven't.  It's been hard not to blog and it's been easy not to blog.  I want to write again for the masses (or the tens ten) and I don't want to publicly write anything ever again.  Sometimes I feel like there is a lot at stake either way. 

I have been encouraged in many ways by friends, both real-life and virtual, since I stopped writing here...encouraged about what I had previously written and how it affected others, as well as encouraged to continue to write, whether on a blog or not.  I have had several conversations about blogging or not blogging with very important people in my life.  I so want to do the right thing.  I would love to be a healthy blogger. 

BlogLite.  Great taste, Less filling. 

That needs work. 

I was hoping that by quitting the blog I would get to bed earlier, get more sleep, be there for my kids and my husband, cook dinner every night, get to the store once a week, and live happily ever after.  So far, these things haven't magically happened.

Did you just fall out of your chair?!  I know!  Me too!

We have been gone all summer (the kids and I, mostly) and it has been one of the most difficult summers of my life.  It has been much harder than I was thinking it would be in May.  It's pretty ridiculous that I would say that, since we've been staying with family whom we love, and I've had help with things like bedtime and cooking dinner, and we've gotten to do some really fun stuff like visit museums and stay at the beach for a month.  (I know.  I could have written the song "It's the Hard-Knock Life".) 

BUT...We also found out I was pregnant, and then I had a miscarriage just before we arrived at the beach.  While no time in my life would be a good one to experience a miscarriage, while at the beach with my three children, one who is a pre-schooler, is particularly untimely.  This, of course, is my human perspective on the matter.  (And who just said that I have a pre-schooler?  You better shut your mouth.  That is just plain mean.)

My emotional health has been in a state of upheaval for quite a while now, so this turn of events in each of its stages has been quite a doozy.  It has been a strange two months, following several months for which I do not think I can come up with a word.  I wish I were the kind of person who was wired to be optimistic, or calm, or to take things in stride.  Alas!  I am not.  There are people telling me that these are things I can learn, though.  And I know the Bible teaches that there is One to help me, there is One who will never forsake me. 

We'll be home soon.  When we left home we were a family of six, albeit number six was very, very tiny.  When we return home we will be a family of five.  The same five Walkers, but not the same at all.  I don't know where I'm headed sometimes, but I suppose it is something of great significance that I'm not walking alone.  I need to reach out for those hands beside me more frequently; I need to look into those eyes more often; I need to tell those hearts that I love them. 

That is what is real.  That is what is real.