Just Try to Make Sense of It...

The First Grade moms got together the other night for some food (duh) and some talking (um, duh).

I don't know these ladies very well.  There is a lot of chit-chat amongst moms when you are dropping off and picking up, planning the birthday parties, and in-class activities.  But the deep stuff...not so much.

I have a hard time making new friends these days.  You know when you move to a place and there are already the very established circles of friends, and the people who have lived there for their whole lives, right down the street from their best friends (still)?  I imagine that it's like that whenever we go somewhere new, regardless of what is the reality.  And then I don't try too hard. 

Because it's hard.

But it's also hard not to have friends. 

These women are really wonderful.  They are nurses, teachers, stay-at-home moms, decorators, counselors, health experts.  I had a good time.  I learned that I am not the only mom who feels the way that I feel around here, or thinks that the days are hard and long, or butts heads with their kid.

When you live in an atmosphere like the one I live in, where folks make a lot of money, wear super fashionable clothes (even jog suits), have diamonds the size of my fist, and always look together, it's easy to think you just don't measure up.  This is a struggle I have no matter where I go, really, but it is exacerbated here.  I know all the right things to say to myself; I know that God loves me, and has given His best for me.  I know that the reality is that I don't (and can't - no one can or does) measure up to His standards, but I don't have to because Jesus lived that perfect life.  I know that beauty is not most importantly an outward thing, and that there are many ways for it to be expressed.  I know that money does not buy you happiness, a big, fancy home is not all it's cracked up to be, and that showers are optional.

Just checking to see if you were paying attention.

Years ago I made some of the best friends of my adult life.  Now those friends are spread out all over the country, so I don't get to see them.  I don't get to call and say,"Let's run to Walmart together," or,"The kids are driving me crazy...are you going to the playground today?"  And of course, when your kids get older and the schedules are nuttier those opportunities don't present themselves the way they used to.  (I mean, seriously...do I really want to take my own kids to Walmart, much less mine plus someone else's?!)

There is a part of me that longs for that time again.  It was a special time, but short-lived.  So now the question is will I live while I'm here?  I have to make an effort if that's going to happen.

Mom?  Dad?  It would be a lot easier if you guys just moved here. 

Back to the part about measuring up.  There will always be those moms out there who "have it all together".  Regardless of what is really going on, they will look good, dress well (even on the days when it's pouring rain and I'm in my fleece pants and Mike's old Tahoe t-shirt with no bra on wishing I could crawl back into bed and sleep to the sound of the storm), and never say anything about the fight with Christian their kid or how difficult it was to get up that morning, or how they served cereal for dinner last night.  But what I discovered is that there are also the moms out there who are willing to say that things are not as they seem.  Life is not perfect, and families are not perfect.  And I don't have to measure up.  In fact, there is nothing in the world to measure up to.  I have to tell myself that...why would I want to live to those standards, knowing what is important, valuable, and eternally true?  (I'm not sure if that is a question or not.  But I put a question mark there anyway.) 

I'm no entrepreneur.  I'm no exercise maniac.  I'm no fashion model.  I'm no chef.  There are so many things I'm not.  But I am a mom.  It's hard for me, but I am one.  And for some crazy reason my kids love me at the end of the day (seriously, if you could have been here today, you would know what I mean).  My husband loves me (and this is not an easy thing to do, folks).  And even more unbelievably, the Lord loves me.  These are the things that matter, no? 

There comes a point where you have to believe that something is true, regardless of what seems to be.  A friend of mine told me a long time ago that she trusted the soap to do its job, when I asked her how she could handwash dishes so nonchalantly (I have a lot of issues...dishwashing is the least of them if that tells you something).  It really struck me (hello, I'm still thinking about it eleven years later).  You can't really see that the soap has taken away all the germs on the dishes, but you have to trust that it has.  I can't really see that I am accepted by God, I just have to trust that I am. 

My life in Christ is weak right now.  I wish sometimes that the trust would lead quickly to the life that lives that trust out.  I think it's the other way around though.  The life has to be lived in trust, and then both get stronger.  I'm not sure that makes sense.  I do know it's an active thing...the Christian life doesn't just happen to someone.  The steps are hard, though.

But aren't we the Walkers?  Isn't there something in a name?!  Here's to taking some steps...walk with us.  Walk with me.

Watching

Watching the Olympics is hard for me.  Here are the best of the best, gathered to fight for the top spot in their sport, to reach the highest level of achievement personally, or work with their team to get the highest honor.  There are always those who, for reasons that commentators can only speculate about (and do they ever...CAN YOU JUST BE QUIET FOR TEN OR EIGHTY MINUTES), falter or even fail altogether.  It is so painful to watch someone's dreams shatter in such a public venue.  Of course, the risk of failure is always there when one undertakes such a thing...they know that.  But does the cameraman have to linger on the devastated face of a very talented person who just made a mistake (or mistakes) that no one can believe, and about which everyone has something to say, keeping the camera trained on that face to the point that the viewer becomes uncomfortable.  It seems so intrusive.  I get it that they put themselves in the public eye, but in that very personal moment it seems right to give someone a little privacy. 

While there are the heartaches, the things that go so unexpectedly wrong, there are also the triumphs that bring tears of joy.  How wonderful are those moments!  I found myself literally clapping and crying tonight during the men's ice skating when Evan Lysacek finished, and even before.  Watching him skate with that fabulous smile, because he knew he was doing it, he knew he was achieving the goal, was so great.  He looked free.  It was a powerful performance; I missed the first round of skaters, and the ones that followed got significantly lower scores.  I kept wondering what in the world the earlier skaters had done to earn such high scores.  When Lysacek skated (and please keep in mind I don't know ANYTHING about skating, except that my kids can do it better than I) the choreography was so good, the way he interacted with the music was so good, and all that technical stuff was so good...I thought,"Ooooh, that's what!"  I loved watching him succeed. 

I wish that the losing did not have to hurt so much.  Those who win earn it.  But it still leaves someone with broken dreams.  While I so love to see a person who has worked unimaginably hard to achieve a goal and been so passionate about their training attain the prize (or be well on their way), I also want to give the proper respect to those who have trained and carried their passion with them to these Games only to leave with empty hands...we can't know all that is going on with the athletes as they embark on their particular journeys, as they work toward that medal.  We should not take it upon ourselves to judge.  There are judges for that!  And no matter what happens once they get to the Olympics, they did manage to get there, after all.  You don't get that chance by sitting on the couch eating brownies (and if you did then I would certainly be stepping up on the podium for the gold).  I say,"Way to go!" 

And then I take another bite of my brownie.  You should see my form. 

Advent, Among Other Things...Mainly the Other Things

I had several thoughts today...I know, someone better write that down quickly! 

When we left for church this morning I noticed that the plants (I am a completely uninformed plant person, so that's as specific as it's going to get) at the end of our sidewalk were dead and the long leaves which had been standing taller than Eliana were now lying low and brown on the ground.  As we walked by them Eliana said,"What this happened?!" in the saddest little voice I ever heard.  I would have taken a picture of them this afternoon but it was rainy.

I only noticed them today; I have no idea if they've been like that for a week, or a couple of days, or if it just happened last night.  As we passed them, headed to church on this second Sunday of Advent, I thought,"Isn't it funny that the season in which we celebrate the birth of our Lord is the same season in which we see things in a state of decay all around us."  I continued thinking about it, and realized that we remember his death at the very time when things are coming back to life everywhere we look. 

And then it comes full circle, since during that same time where all things are being renewed we also celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ, his conquering of death, and the final promise we are given for life, both now and forever. 

Even the seasons hear and answer the call to bring glory to the Creator of the entire universe! 

When I look at those brown, lackluster plants that are stooped low, they seem pitiful.  I am that way, too.  Sometimes I feel as though I want to curl up on the floor just like those plants.  I feel shrivelly and ugly.  But there is another way to see them.  As they lost their own life they were forced to bow down, lying on the concrete with their faces, as it were, in the most humble of positions.  This is a position in which I could find myself as well, humbly bowing down.  Instead of being pitiful I could be worshipful.  Mindful of the One who made me.  In awe of the One who loves me.  Grateful for the One who saves me. 

I'm looking forward to Christmas and I'm enjoying the season; I love the beautiful music, the glorious lights, the lovely garlands, the bright berries.  I love thinking about the hope that we have because of a King who came into the world in the most humble way and then went on to live and die and live again so that all things could be made new.  I love that my children sing his praises, too, and know hymns by heart that I never did. 

I sat in on a class that Mike taught this morning and he said something that struck me; I thought it was so simple and yet so profound.  He said that the character of a king determines the path of the nation.  I thought of how our King is righteous, good, loving, humble, compassionate, and faithful.  And everything he does is for the Father's glory.  There are so many ways that I fall short, every day...sometimes every minute of every day.  I have questioned whether or not I could possibly be a Christian because my heart is so rebellious.  There are people who might say,"Stop that!  Don't be so hard on yourself!"  But I know what's in there, and so does he.  And the miracle is, if what I read in the Bible is true, that he loves me anyway.  He loved me already.  He loved me when I was his enemy.  These things are true for each of us.

Where am I going with this?  I don't know...I was thinking about the King.  And how I don't measure up, but how he is still leading.  His character is stronger than my flaws.  His faithfulness doesn't depend upon my obedience.  And even though I waver, or feel so far away from him at times, I still follow.  Stumbling and scraping my knees, diverting down the wrong path momentarily, scrambling to see him once again, I follow. 

A little note, lest anyone be worried about my theology...these are things that I feel (remember?  I'm a right-brained person!); I realize that my experience doesn't always reflect reality.  I also would say that while the Lord calls, and the people follow, in some mysterious way he also enables and even carries those whom he calls.  I can only speak to so many things at once!  For now, it's the falling-behind-scurrying-to-catch-up feeling. 

Anyway, the main point isn't my own waywardness, but his steady leading.  He is strong.  He is good.  He is loving.  He is perfect.  He is leading his people to their home, and their home is with the Father.  His character determines the path of his people.  We can trust to follow on the path because of his character; it never changes.  What a gift we have been given, that we can know our King the way that we can!  How I need to take advantage of that gift! 

I'm pretty sure that this makes not much sense...and I'm not sure how I got from dead plants on the sidewalk to the glorious future that awaits us one day...I'm tricky like that.  I wonder if the trees and the flowers look forward to spring as much as I'm looking forward to the new heavens and the new earth?  Or as much as you might be looking forward to the end of this crazy post?

I walk down the sidewalk every day.  I will pass those plants and I will watch for that miraculous renewal that is sure to come.  The amazing thing is this...as I walk down the path that Jesus has determined for his people I am invited to be a part of the miraculous renewal.  The question is how will I choose to do it.  How will I respond to such a weighty and awesome invitation?  What do you think about that?  What part do you play, or will you play?  I would love to hear your thoughts, because mine are a jumbled mess, and it seems like they should be as clear as the most beautiful and heavenly of bells...

Out With the Old, In With the New...A Work in Progress

Already there are people in our neighborhood who have broken out their Christmas decorations, even though Thanksgiving has yet to pass.  I have read several blog posts about this...people who are so looking forward to Christmas that they couldn't wait any longer to put out their decor.  I have never seen anything like it.  Getting the decorations out so early, I mean. 

I actually love it.  I wish we could leave the lights, and the garlands, the bows, and the wreaths, the trees, and the lights (oh, I already said that!) up all year.  I suppose in the end that would make it less special, since we all look forward to the lovely glow, the something-different-in-the-air this time of year.

As I was driving along the other day this caught my attention for a couple of reasons...

It makes me think of myself. 

The pumpkins are up and have been for a while, celebrating fall and the change of the seasons.  They symbolize all things autumn...the color of the leaves that gradually shift from green to gold, to orange and red; the carving of pumpkins; the gradual departure of heavy summer days and the arrival of crisper weather; the children dressed up tromping through the streets in search of treats rather than tricks; the anticipation of a feast at which we pay special attention to our blessings and recall all that we have to be thankful to our Provider for.

Now, the garland has been hung gracefully and secured with lovely bows.  This greenery symbolizes the Christmas season.  (I'm putting a personal spin on this, okay?)  In the midst of the falling, dying leaves, there are evergreens, full of life.  The red bows help us to remember how we are tied together, united in Christ, redeemed by his sacrifice.  The Christmas decorations usher in the season of Advent; we wait for the day when we celebrate the birth of our Lord, and we wait for his coming again...this time as our reigning King and mighty Deliverer forever. 

Even though the Christmas garlands adorn the pillars, the pumpkins still sit on top; on the outside they hold their appearance well.  But what are they like on the inside?  They have been sitting there for quite a while, and it is likely that they are starting to deteriorate on the inside.  They are no longer in their original state; after being outside, battered by the elements day after day, they are beginning to rot.  They are dying. 

But this rottenness doen't stop the garlands from being hung.  It doesn't keep the garlands from being lovely and full of life.  The garlands' beauty does not depend on nor is it lessened by the pumpkins that are now less than perfect.

I am perched atop a pillar, of sorts.  Like the pumpkin that matures during a time of change I, too, grow older amidst a changing world, one that seems never to be able to offer stability, nor a promise of steadiness.  In this world, things are fleeting.  Yes, there is beauty, and there are blessings; there is also dying and sadness.  It is hard not to feel the effects of the constant battering received by the world around me.  And sometimes, on the inside, I feel plain old rotten. 

BUT...

In spite of all that the world can throw at me, in spite of the state of my insides, in spite of the fact that we all are subject to the passing of time and its effects, there is a new garment that has been fixed upon me.  It is beautiful.  It is perfect.  It is draped about my shoulders and it was given to me, and now it is as though it were mine.  This pure and lovely robe covers all my imperfections, all my rottenness.  It unites me with the One to whom it belongs, as well as with all the others to whom He offers it.  (It's a size extra-large!  His whole church can fit into it.)  Nothing I do or don't do can take away or change the beauty or perfection of the garment or the One who gave it to me.  He doesn't ever change.

Tonight I am resting in that knowledge, clinging to the robe of Christ's righteousness that He so graciously has given to me, that I might be called a daughter of God.

Ephesians 4:22-24 

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

2 Cor. 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

House Keeping

I've got something brewing in my mind. 

Scary, I know.

I have been pretty down lately...if the truth be told, a better word to use is despondent.  Now, I've been able to get up and get going, but barely.  The main issue for me right now is our house.

We moved at the beginning of the year and never really finished the job of settling in.  There are many different factors that make up our current FAULTY equation, and I don't think I'll go into all the gory details.  What it boils down to is that SO much needs to be done that I don't know where to start.  And any time I actually feel the slightest bit of motivation to start, I look at one particular area and completely lose heart.

I wish I could make a joke, or say something funny and charmingly self-deprecating.  The truth is...it's not funny.  At one point, it was kind of funny to tell people with a little laugh,"Oh, we'll be settled by December...of 2013!  But now it's more like being in the Pit of Despair, where the life-sucking machine in the form of the chaos that is all around me, well, is sucking the life out of me moment by moment.

Well, that was dramatic, wasn't it?

I love The Princess Bride.  Do you think it would be bad if instead of cleaning up our back entryway I went and watched that movie right now?

OH!  I just had a new idea...I can put on a movie, and clean at the same tiime!  Why didn't I think of that before?!  I already feel better.

The other idea I had, which is what I was referencing when I said there was something brewing up in my brains (which, by the way, Christian's teacher this morning said to me,"I can see that you are a right-brained person...I'm married to one of those."  She said it with the warmest and most lovely smile on her face, yet sympathetically...we had forgotten Christian's nightly reading book to turn in.  It was just a statement, though, and she didn't make any conclusion...I wasn't sure what to think of that.)...brains...right! 

I was thinking earlier today about how horrible the house makes me feel and I thought,"I have to do something about it.  It's not going anywhere.  I can't throw all of our stuff in the yard and burn it.  We aren't moving any time soon.  It's just going to get worse, unless I DO SOMETHING!!"  So, I thought it might motivate me if I shared my journey from overwhelmed housewife to functioning-in-a-somewhat-normal-way housewife here on the blog.  I decided that to set the goal higher, say to go from overwhelmed housewife to totally-ordered-and-efficient-in-every-way housewife would just be setting myself up for a bit of failure.  (Please know that I am smiling as I write that.)

The Situation:

There is regular mail to go through, as well as papers that were never sorted before our move.  There are enough shoes to outfit an army, and that's just at the back door.  There is luggage.  There are kids' papers and crafts.  There are still boxes that haven't been unpacked.  There is a technological arsenal.  We have so much electronic paraphernalia that we could open our own version of Radio Shack.  There is laundry, and there are toys.  There is even a broken sewing machine hanging around.

My ironing board and iron are put away...does that count for something?  Please?

I thought of putting pictures up of the progress that I make.  I think it will be painfully slow.  It could be fun...for my mom and my sister-in-law.  They feel my pain. 

This might sound silly, but I also believe that at the root of my problem is a spiritual issue.  I know how to talk the talk and sound like I know what I'm talking about when it comes to being a Christian.  But right now it's mostly talk.  The computer and the blog, while offering me a great way to stay sane in many ways and being a fun outlet for my desire to write, have also been consuming way too much of my time.  I know this, and yet I choose to sit in front of this screen for too long each night.  I check on everyone's life under the sun yet neglect the one that lies just behind me.  In this regard, I am not a victim, but an offender.  I do want to change that.  Getting back to the spiritual stuff...the Lord has given me responsibilities, ones that I accepted.  When I make those things priorities, then I honor Him with the work that I do.  And I haven't been doing that.  I've been running away instead.  Ooh, like Jonah.  And hopefully I can learn my lesson from his experience instead of being so stubborn and hard-headed and selfish that I have to have my own lesson. 

There are so many things still percolating (to keep with the analogy), but you know, when you don't let it steep long enough you end up with a weak brew.  I'll end for now.  Sorry to ramble on, but maybe by getting it out in the open (so to speak) I will be motivated to take those first steps.  And then the next!  And then some more!  Until I can walk a straight path in any direction through my totally ordered and spotless house!